Monday, June 24, 2013

crunchy granola

actually lets don't talk about granola. it'll make me puke.
I've mentioned my nausea a little on Facebook but haven't dedicated a blog post solely to the inter-workings of my stumosh. (translation: stomach in boratnese). that streak ends now.

party hat kept me in bed all day yesterday. you know that feeling that you have right before you throw up where your jaw is all tingly? yeah? I felt exactly like that from 630 yesterday morning until 1030 last night. it was terrible.

I felt pretty good this morning and so I got some pictures printed and went to Walmart. I must have been feeling guilty from staying in bed all day yesterday because I got the kids a tie-dye t-shirt kit. stay tuned. I'm sure that'll be a blog post in and of itself tomorrow.

my feeling good ran out about the time I had to take c to the ER because I was sure she'd broken her leg from climbing the dining room chair like it was scaffolding and having it fall over. (she didn't, thankfully!) the burly nurse (probably 6 foot 5 and 300lbs) brought her "a red Popsicle to match her pretty red bow" (his words) and I thought he was gonna get a pile of pretty puke at right at his size 17 skis.

once we got back from the hospital, the kids went straight down for a nap and so did I. Jerry got home as soon as we woke up and went to supper. supper was not a good experience and I decided that he was stopping by whole foods on the way home so I could get something to help.

when I was in El Paso, I went to an acupuncturist. enter: crunchy!

when I got slightly nauseated with j and c he gave me a special "Bach flower" concoction. I keep saying "I wasn't this sick with j and c" but I also had dr. a's magical elixir from the word go. when I started feeling bad, I squirted two drops under my tongue and- whamo blamo- I felt better.

at whole foods I found the goods to make dr. a's elixir! God Bless you whole foods. amen.

I don't know what mimulus is, but I love it.

put them together and what have you got?

like American Express- never leave home without it.

it might be psychosomatic, but I swear after 1 use I feel a million times better.

in case you're wondering: I probably am happy to see you... but that's definitely just my magic elixir in my pocket.

Friday, June 21, 2013

knight in shining tetanus

remember this?

the bloggess does have a point. you never know what you're gonna run across at homegoods. tonight I found this little beauty:

(don't worry about my 4 chins. I've got 7 more months of chin growth. it's gonna get a lot worse before it gets better.)

I seriously wanted to buy this little guy, bring him home, and just put him on the front porch and wait. and wait. and wait. and videotape people's reactions.

we have an owl on our front porch with the weird head that bobs and swivels in the wind to keep the birds away. mostly, we just have an owl with the weird head that bobs and swivels that's covered in bird poop on our front porch. I can't imagine what the birds would be thinking if they saw this golden statue of pristine shitlessness. and the face mask looks like an excellent future fortified little birds' nest.

I kept thinking how awesome it would be to get and how hilarious it would be. but my friend (the one who took my picture) did me a solid and told me not to get knight in shining tetanus. although he was only $69.99. ugh... bargain!

we ran over to target really quick after we checked out and did not purchase the KIST. when we got back to the swagger wagon what did we see?

these people need better friends. or an excellent financial advisor. or both.

someone was buying one! seriously, someone in Colorado Springs bought a knight in shining armor from Homegoods. I almost wanted to follow them home just to see what they did with it. like... maybe they have a yearly haunted house and they needed a piece that helped scare the kids and get parents their money's worth from the DTaP vaccine. or maybe they work for the manufacturer and are trying for some job security. can't say I blame them.

when i got home, I'd been thinking I was the quirky one in the family. buuutttt I came home to j and the kids watching Rudolph the red nosed reindeer. in June. and here all this time I just thought Christmas music after Halloween was overkill.

and lastly, clararella got some new glass slippers:

they make me ridiculously happy. somehow I think, though, we will be getting her a nice little pink cast sometime in the future since they have the teensiest of heels. she sure does love them though.

thinking of seeing monsters u this weekend. I'm in it for the popcorn. has anyone seen it? will it hold the attention of a 3 and 2 year old? I just need it to keep their attention long enough to devour a jumbo extra butter popcorn complete with a drippy butter beard. I'm thinking 15 min. what say you?

Thursday, June 20, 2013

three's a party

y'all might have noticed that were expanding. its mostly my butt and my waistline, but expanding we are!

party hat is due to join the family on February 3rd +\- a few days. who knows. I think party hat may end up a January baby, but I think the zodiac sign will be the same so at least I know a little about what I am getting ahead of time.

everyone in the family thinks party hat is a boy, but c. c says sister.

I have had some strange cravings. no pickles and ice cream or unicorns and glitter. but, Mexican food and cheese sticks (simultaneously) are pretty common. right now, I want corn pops and Lima beans. not like in the same bowl but at the same time.

which brings me to the subject of grocery shopping. no pregnant person should ever be allowed to go in a store that sells food. not a grocery store, not a target, not a Walgreens, not a circle k.

tonight I went to target to pick up a prescription and some unisom. I walked out with: Corn pops, frosted mini wheats, 15 grain bread, orange juice concentrate, twizzlers, sausage biscuits, peaches and push pops. ooookkkkaaaayyy?

also, I have now figured out why women get a nice little pooch (FUPA) after kids. that's just Gods way of protecting future offspring from their big brothers and sisters. party hat's cozy little home has been kicked, jumped on, rolled onto, you name it. for once, I'm thankful for my gut and the extra cushion it provides. never thought I'd ever say that.

big sister and big brother are really thrilled. they got to come to the ultrasound. I'm only 7 weeks 3 days, but we saw the heartbeat. the kids were fascinated. prior to the ultrasound they were jumping around all over. when the magic wand showed them the baby they were as still as statues and so excited.

we aren't planning to find out party hat's gender until eviction day, but baby j is trying to wear me down. he keeps saying "we need to know who the baby is, mommy". we will see. I always promised daddy j after we got one of each we could have a "surprise".

I guess y'all now know extra reasons why c had to get off the boom and get sleep trained and both get potty trained. I bet most of you weren't even surprised. :)

Sunday, June 16, 2013

dare I say it?

I think we've turned a corner on potty training. maybe not a sharp, buck 20, two wheeled turn...but probably an 85 year old with cataracts turn into a church parking lot turn. hey, I'll take what I can get.
j had no accidents (or purposefuls) today. yeehaw! c had one but it's because she was playing in a laundry hamper and we didn't get her out and to the potty in time.

I'm not saying the kids are "trained" but they're a heck of a lot closer to it than they were last time I wrote. we are even venturing out of the house tomorrow. challenge accepted.

In all of this though, I've decided that someone needs to write a real book on the subject. Jenny McCarthy took pregnancy and did it justice. I'm waiting for the real deal book on postpartum with a title that reads "it's ok if you don't want to stare at your new baby all night and you really want a martini" and definitely one about potty training. title: "trust your instincts and your kids are gonna be real turds- pun definitely intended"

I have read A LOT of books on the subject of potty training. lots. most are 50 plus pages and they repeat themselves over and over and over. I think that a true potty training book could be written in 5 pages or less and that includes the works cited.

here is an excerpt from the imaginary book I've been writing in my head all week:

you know how you feel when you've been looking forward to your favorite meal at your favorite restaurant? you know...the meal that you get every single time and you can literally taste it? now imagine you go to the restaurant and they give you the old "so sorry. we are all out of your favorite meal. here are our other fine selections. if you like your favorite meal, your love my favorite meal." but you're thinking "Hell no, bro. i will not" yeah? well... that's how your kids feel about crapping anywhere but in their pants. you might think the potty is awesome, but they just want to keep doing what they know.

so what do you do when they tell you they don't have your favorite meal anymore? you more than likely order something else. are you disappointed? yes. are you sometimes pleasantly surprised? yes. but not before you've pouted about it (and you're an adult). if you were two or three or four would you probably throw your menu to the ground when they told you that you couldn't have what you wanted? Hell yes you would.

so put yourself in your kids' shoes. they haven't had 30 years to practice that sweet thing called self-control. you just told them that 1. they can't keep doing what they've always known, 2. they have to stop what they're doing (playing) to do it. 3. they now have to hover their naked private parts over a hole where things disappear. um. no thanks.

so, let me be the first to tell you. you're kids are gonna act like real turds about the whole kit and kaboodle. if you drink, you'd better stock up. if you pray, you'd better set up an alter. if you stress eat, you better hit up a hoho factory. you're gonna need it. it might last 3 days, it might last 3 weeks. heck, it might even last 3 months.

these little angry nugget geniuses want some control back. they're gonna try to get it if they have to break every glass item in your house and pluck your sanity from you one teeny tiny strand at a time. and don't even get me started on all the places you're gonna find human waste. buy some latex gloves and carry on, soldier.

let me reiterate. if you consider calling a priest at any point in time- that's normal. totally normal.

you can read all the books that you want on this, but when it comes time to train- just trust your instincts. obviously you gotta cover the basics like actually taking them to the bathroom to go. put them on the big toilet, a small toilet, let them pee on a tree.  you can wait for them to tell you or set a timer and make them or catch them and move them. whatever approach you think your kids will respond best to... do that. it doesn't matter if someone with a phd in pottyology doesn't endorse it. do these fools know your kid? no. no they do not. you do. trust that. do you hear me? trust yourself!

are your kids coocoo for coco puffs? then, get the kids some damn coco puffs. do you always tell them no to new stickers, bubbles, gummies, pickles, anime figurines, iPad time, TV time, more Barney? whatever they're always nagging you for and not getting-buy that/ do that/ give them that. it doesn't matter if your neighbor swears she trained her 17 foster children using exclusively m & ms. if your kids' currency isn't m & ms you're wasting your energy. dude. I promise. learn your kids' currency, exploit it, and reap the benefits.

indoor skating fashion show currency?  yeah.  why not?

it's gonna take some time.  your currency might change.  how much time doesn't matter.   how many times your currency changes doesn't matter. what matters is your resolve to carry on.  if your friend is gloating about training their kid in one hour and they never had an accident.  give them a cookie.  preferably peanut butter so it gums them up a bit.  it's the old saying "every kid is different" blah. blah. blah.  well guess what folks?  they are different.  they're really different.  personality has a lot to do with training these small people.  maybe the kid that got trained in 1 hour isn't going to be a contender on american gladiator like your shiny nugget.  some kids are just STRONG WILLED.  they're gonna crap their pants til they run out of crap.  don't be alarmed.  clean it up and just remind them that one way or another 

Wednesday, June 12, 2013

3 days my 3 letter word

I'm gonna go with a conservative estimate of Labor Day being the next time that I'll be able to leave the house with both kids. Realistically, it'll be at least 4th of July. no doubt.

How is potty training going, you ask? hmmmm... I seriously considered driving to the house of the lady who wrote the book, dropping off a sack of my kids poop, ringing her doorbell, and running like the wind.

there are a few problems with the above plan. a. you can't take kids on a road trip who aren't potty trained after you've sworn off diapers for all eternity. b. my kids refuse to drop any deuces. we're strictly a uno family and so that makes it awfully hard to collect any for a sack.

wholly unsuccessful. it's supposed to be a 3 day potty train and at the end of the 3 days the only people in this house who are closer to anything are me and daddy j. we are closer to a psych ward.

after cleaning up the bajillionth accident and mumbling some unflattering words (at about 330), we abandoned ship and went with the pull-ups training pants app on the iPad. you set the timer for potty breaks, you do a potty dance, and you go to the potty. if you produce, you get a gold star. the gold stars unlock games. you gotta know your kids currency. iPad games are apparently it. I will be retiring the m & ms directly into my mouf sometime tomorrow.

I'm knocking on about a whole Yellowstone worth of wood, but it seems to be working. after we changed over to the new method, we had no accidents. zero. zilch. nada. I felt happy again after 3 days of horrible.

nothing on this planet can make you feel like a bad parent like potty training can. I think I should send Kate Goslin a bottle of wine. I really have no idea how she did it x 6. she may very well be a whackadoo, but she potty trained 8 kids. that's something no one can ever take away from her.

anyway, when things got less stressful and more fun, j and c wanted to take some pictures:

sometimes my phone captures things that I wish it could un-see.

in otherish news:
c starts ballet tomorrow. I hope Billy Madison is right that you ain't cool unless you pee your pants. because it's our first outing since potty training and I'd really prefer her not making a puddle in the floor.

I guess we will see how it goes. I know she will look adorable in her ballet clothes even if there is a little yellow river running down her tights.

Monday, June 10, 2013

perseverance and Jesus

daddy j has decided we need to make a family crest with the words "we only need perseverance and Jesus" on it. I think it's pretty fitting.

today was day 1 of the 3-day potty training method. before I go any further let me give you our X out of 10 synopsis:

that definitely says NEGATIVE 3/10.

sorry I keep writing about this, but this is where I put down all my frustrations and thoughts. word on the street is that it'll only take 3 days to get 'er which point I will most happily never write about this again (well until subsequent offspring require it).

i will not get into the specifics of today, but if you're looking for a hot stock tip- I'd recommend bissell.

we have been telling the kids for a weeks now that they were going to be "big boy and big girl " when we got back from our trip. yesterday we prepped their undies. this morning we got their prizes ready and they threw away
all the rest of their diapers.

basket of undies in the bathroom is not my intellectual property. totally stole this idea from a friend.

y'all. j is nearly 3.5. the kid can do math. riddle me why in the heck broscephus cant figure out that pickle juice should go in the potty not trickle down his legs. seriously, if I saw one more puddle today I thought Jesus was gonna need to come take the wheel.

c is another story. she really likes praise. so she sincerely tried to make it happen, cap'n. I think she is gonna struggle a little with pulling the trigger, so to speak. she went in the bathroom to have all of her accidents today. it's like she got in there and then didn't realize that turning your panties into a water balloon in the bathroom gets you partial credit, but is not the double underlined approved solution.

I'm hopeful that tomorrow will be better. it's been sworn to me that eventually it'll just click. I could get down with some clicking about now. and when it happens, I'm buying myself a new not diaper bag purse.

daddy j was in rare form today for his potty humor comedy tour. here are some of my favorites:
"noooo buddy!!!!! it's not a firehose!"

followed by: "its pretty messy in here. we need to get cleaned up because the anaconda was fighting in all directions."

cross your fingers and your toes for us tomorrow.

I'll get straight to work on the family crest.

Wednesday, June 5, 2013

konnichiwa, b-s

you haven't experienced all your vacation has to offer until you've been chastised in Japanese because your kids are wearing backpack leashes.

it was just how you'd imagine it too. a lot of pointing a giggling with hand over mouth and overdramatic overacting illustrating that my kids had on backpack leashes.

don't they give them some kind of a courtesy spiel on the tour bus about how not to be a dick to the people in your host country? pointing and giggling? that's gotta be in the top three lessons on how to not irritate Americans. seems pretty basic to me.

well, my little friends from the Pacific, these are everywhere:

i don't know about you, but I kinda love my kids. I'd put watching them melt like the wicked witch of the west pretty much at the bottom of my list of things that sound like fun.

as a matter of a fact, I'd go so far as to say that anyone who plans to come to Yellowstone with toddlers should invest in a solid leash monkey or two. kids are quick and I don't think boiling magma discriminates by level of cuteness. as a matter of a fact, I saw a 4 or 5 year old climb up onto a rock about 500 feet above jagged rocks below all titanic style and was saved by a stranger who pulled him down by his shirt. the whole thing happened in about 10 seconds start to finish. kids.are.quick.

oh no, j! how will you ever forgive me for humiliating you when you were three all because I cared about your health and well-being?

the Japanese tour groupies weren't the only ones who had commentary on the leashes. a group of Mennonite gals wearing crocs also seemed to be disgusted with my kids' ensemble. I'm not even gonna touch that one with a 10 foot pole. let me repeat. in crocs.

oh well... if you see a kid wearing a leash sometime just know that it's not what you might think it is (I'm being repressed! I'm being repressed!), but rather a parent trying to keep their kid safe in a situation they deem dangerous.

and for the record, my kids love their monkey "pack packs"

Saturday, June 1, 2013

june 1

well may went by fast. I guess that's fitting though since we are all back together and are no longer waiting on something. it's a watched pot never boils logic.
may seems to have ended on a high note.

for starters: our mail finally stopped going in circles. one envelope had a forward to Mississippi address sticker, a forward to Colorado address sticker, and a forward to Mississippi address sticker, and a forward to Colorado sticker on it when I got it from the mailbox today. and we wonder why the postal service is having dolla dolla bill troubles.

in other news: c seems to be doing well without the boom. *knock on a wood* she has stayed in her bed asleep until 2-3 before she comes into bed with us since this started. and usually thats her only wake up. before she'd have already woken 3 or 4 times by 2am. whoot! on a related note, my coffee consumption is down by many a kcup a day. folgers is probably heading for a recession soon.

on the cabbage front: my boobs no longer hurt, but they have taken on a weird shape from all the full ducts. personally, I think they look like this:

only less grey and more flesh colored.

apparently I have a high pain tolerance because I'm pretty sure I'm within a day or 2 of exploding boobs. and I'm guessing my TLC special will air sometime in the next 3-6 months. I certainly appreciate all the advice of the seasoned weaners. ( well, that doesn't sound nice at all does it? ) seriously though, I really am thankful to have such awesome people in my life who are willing to talk about their boobs in a public forum. thank you again.

lastly: wait. first let me apologize for even writing this. sorry y'all. this morning we were sitting on the couch and c was fiddling with daddy j's shirt. she, then, decided to go spelunking in his belly button. hey, I wouldn't like it, but it was his belly button so who am I to say?

about 2 minutes later, c caught me with my mouth open and put something in it. I just assumed it was a goldfish she found in the couch. undesirable? sure. downright pukeworthy? nah. except, it wasn't a goldfish since it was fuzzy and not stale cheesiness. I spit it out immediately and realized c put my husband's belly button lint in my mouth.

I'm still trying to figure out what I did to her to ever require that kind of retribution. maybe she is taking this weaning thing harder than I thought.

I hope everyone has a happy start to their June and their summer! don't forget to wear sunscreen.