Thursday, May 30, 2013

soul food and boom boom

if you read my blog yesterday you saw that the dentist laid the snack-smack down on us (re: me) about breastfeeding (or boomboom as C calls it).

she got cut off cold turkey yesterday. since I was only nursing her at nap and at night, I assumed that I didn't have much milk left. wrong. and let me tell you that cutting off your bi-daily drainage without so much as a Dear John letter is a bad idea with a capital O-U-C-H.

as for how c is handling it, she did well last night and great today at nap!


she brought me her binkie and told me she'd like to go to sleep. say what?!? you look like my child, you smell like my child, but you, obviously, are an imposter.


even though she did great, each time she woke up, she asked for boom. if my 30 gallon jugs o'milk had been in charge she'd be back in business until at least college--and it might even continue past that depending on her future college's roommate policy.

so anyway. you get the idea that it hurts really bad to instantaneously wean. Today I decided that the well needs to run dry post haste. I had a few friends suggest to me that I put cabbage on my boobs.

pause for effect.

and guess what my next action was?



daddy j didn't even know what he was getting himself into... he said "are we having stuffed cabbage" and I said "not exactly" and then I put the cabbage in the freezer and went and took a bath. when I got out, I immediately suited up in my cabbage bra. it didn't exactly smell good but it was ok til I started sweating.

now when I lived in pascagoula this last year, I got reacquainted with some soul food favorites like fried green tomatoes, steamed cabbage, peas & cornbread. I can sniff out a good ole down home meal at least a click* away.

imagine my surprise when I recreated my soul food favorite, steamed cabbage, in my bra. there has to be a better way... but there isn't.

As if the sheer act of having cabbage in your bra isnt weird enough, i had to run a few errands tonight too and I felt like I had a dirty little soul food secret. becaaaause, I did. well more wilty than dirty, but still.

my honest assessment of this old wives tale is that it's more true than the dirty lie that chocolate causes acne, but less true than drinking cranberry juice for a uti. so far I do seem to be in less pain and less full but to be fair we are talking about a jump from


this

to



this.

I've yet to decide if this is really a victory or if dreaming about coleslaw tonight is my consolation prize for running around town smelling like the Whistle Stop Cafe.

Wednesday, May 29, 2013

the time has come the walrus said

"The time has come," the Walrus said,
"To talk of many things:
Of boobs--and teeth--and cavities--
Of sleeplessness--and binks--
And how long it'll take for c to sleep alone--
And whether pigs have wings."

i knew i should be afraid of the dentist today.  we didn't get a good report on 1/2 of our offspring.

the kids were actually really well behaved.  (that kinda goes without saying though because it's basically a big gift fest/ play time with about 5 minutes of actual dentistry-- have i mentioned that i freaking love this dentist?)

swag bag.  or swag water bottle. 

i mentioned yesterday that c had an unfortunate teeth situation.  what i meant by that is that she has some serious plaque buildup on her front two teeth.  i kinda already knew what caused it, but was waiting for the official verdict.  well, the official verdict came in a very pleasant, but very firm, conversation from the dentist.  my tail is officially tucked.  

if c doesn't knock it off with night time boomboom she is gonna need caps on her front two teeth. the dentist took x-rays and she had a few teeny tiny cavaties.  the dentist gave us 3 months to prevent it from getting any worse before she needs to get the caps.  today marked day 1 of boomboom crackdown. 

it's not gonna be pretty, folks.

the first thing we did after leaving the dentist was go to my favorite upscale boutique tarjay.  the sole purpose of the visit was to get c some cups she was excited about and some binkies.  yes, that's right.  i said it-- binkies.  she is 2 and she's never used a binkie and i'm trying to encourage it now. oh yes i am.

you see.  everytime i talk to the baby dentist about my kids' teeth, they tell me that they will need braces.  the kids have tight contacts.  in other words, their teeth are really close together and that's just the baby teeth.  the permanent teeth are even bigger and so there won't be room for the permanent teeth to grow in their little mouths (obviously not a genetic trait from me).  so the way i see it (and the dr agreed with me, incidentally) is if they are going to need braces anyway then what's the harm in giving her a little pacifierdom? there isn't any.

 and oh my gaaaaahhhhhh is she adorable. (she picked that binky out herself- girl after my heart)

so, let me tell you how the first nap with her new binkies and bottles went.  here's the cliffs notes version: it didn't.  

i gave her the new binkie and she laid there really cute (see above) and didn't sleep.  she kept saying "boomboom pwease" and i kept telling her that the dentist said she can't have it anymore.  she WOULD NOT sleep.  would not.  she was insistent that she needed boom.  i was insistent that she couldn't have it.  and so she refused to nap.  nice.

her up and down and up and down kept j up too so neither of them have had a nap.  i think we are moments away from a coup, but i am armed with rope and marshmallows-- so we should be good.

when i finally gave up on their napping, i laid down on the couch to rest a little myself.  c decided to come up and try to nurse through my shirt.  yeah no.  that's not gonna work either.  i might be in over my head.

the next few nights are going to be the biggest shit show e-ver.  the dentist assured me and reassured me that it* would only last a few nights.  if it doesn't, i hope she doesn't mind a little baby toddler in a basket on her business's doorstep. 

*it being screaming, crying, sleepy whining, angry little person antics.

Tuesday, May 28, 2013

and so on and so forth

we've been back 2 weeks tomorrow and it kinda feels like we never left. that's a good thing. I haven't been on here much lately because I've been busy and when my head hits the pillow at night, I'm snoring before poor daddy j has a chance to know what hit him.

local happenings of note: 1. j started piano lessons. so far I am completely, utterly, and totally impressed with the teacher and the company. his lessons are with Accent Music. The teacher comes to us one day a week for a 30 minute lesson and then we practice a little everyday. Can I please just tell you how adorable watching a 3 year old "play" piano is? Sure he only knows 3 fingers (C,D,E) so far --but it's so cute it would melt the hardest of hearts.

2. the kids are both sleeping in their own beds (or at least starting the night in their own beds). j *knock on wood* stays in his bed all night once he calms down and finally falls asleep. c, on the other hand, goes right to sleep but wakes up sometime in the night and gets into bed with us. my strategy right now is to hope that we can go further stretches between her bed and ours. mommy needs her sleep.

3. the kids have dentist appointments in the morning and I am literally scared to go for the first time ever. I'm afraid c has got a unfortunate teeth situation and we will be battling cavities her whole little life. le sigh.

4. we got a swagger wagon. finally. :) I loves her. I'm excited to take the van on her maiden voyage to Yellowstone soon.

5. started reading a little more now that daddy j is around to help some. currently reading gone girl. the verdict is still out but it's getting better.

I'll try not to go so long between updates again. goodnight moon. goodnight creepy old lady that they make no mention of her relation in the book.




Wednesday, May 22, 2013

momuform

do you know what I do all day? clean up other people's fecal matter, prepare food, clean a little, and do laundry. so glamourous. flossy, flossy.

In my life before kids (when I was always put together- except at Walmart, but Walmart doesn't count), I would notice moms out and about running errands during the day in yoga pants, stained tshirts, and tennis shoes. frankly, I thought they looked really comfortable, kinda sloppy, a little lot tired.

now, I wouldn't say I judged these ladies... buuuttt I did notice a trend. and i wondered at exactly what point moms just said screw it to actually getting dressed and started wearing the "momuform" (mom uniform).



momuform selfie! stained tee: check, yoga pants: enthusiastic check, tennis shoes: you bet your ass.

now that I am a stay at home mom I can answer the question of when moms wave the dirty whitey tighty flag to getting dressed everyday: i.e. when all my cute clothes stopped fitting like they used to even though I weighed the same, when I got bodily fluids spilled on me at least 3 times a day, when my kids started having perma sticky fingers, and when I started having an angry little audience during my showers. nothing kills your lookin' fly vibe like getting screamed at while you're trying to freshen up your p,t, and a. forget makeup.

on the odd day when I do make an effort to get dressed up nice, my kids inadvertently catapult butter onto my clothing or get a nose bled down my shirt or find a can of chef boyarde to fingerprint with while I'm taking the trash out. it's just not worth it to waste an outfit.



insignificant day/ day I will get poop on something... so basically everyday ending in y.

so yeah. I admit it. I wore my momuform out today to run a couple errands. my kids were dressed cute as Hell even if I was a cold, undignified mess. you know what else? within 5 minutes of having on a fresh t-shirt, I got ketchup fingers all down my front. was I glad it was on my momuform and not something nice? you betcha.

was I embarrassed to be seen in public wearing yoga pants, tennis shoes, and a shirt with a ketchup stain? not a chance.

until Ann Taylor makes a Teflon T-shirt that feels like well-washed cotton, I'm gonna keep on keeping on.

survival of the fittest, y'all.

so if you see me out and about in my momuform or one of my compatriots, invite us to go someplace with you sans kids. We'd love an excuse to change out of our uniform and play with grown-ups and I promise we clean up pretty nice!

Sunday, May 19, 2013

sleep training

sleep training is about as unpredictable as Britney Spears from 07.

last night c went down at 730 and didn't fall asleep until 830 so I rocked her for an hour, moved her to her bed all stealth-like, craned over the bed rails to let her know I was still there until she was asleep enough to slip away.

and then she woke up at 1130 and screamed her pretty little face off non-stop for 4 hours. when she realized she wasn't getting what she wanted out of me which was "mommy lay down!" on repeat, she started calling for everybody she knows, their momma, and baby Jesus. "i need my daddy!" "I need my gwa-ma!" "I need my ma'am!" I need my upa!" "I need my sur!" ugh. I needed my sanity. and a drink. it's 5'oclock (am) somewhere!

while she was screaming and nothing I did was improving it, I started googling how to make your kid sleep. I read all sorts of things CIO, lay them back down without talking a million times if that's what you need to do, rock them, sway with them, etc... etc... etc. none of the methods were very detailed. they just said "here's the general idea and trust your instincts. the Hell? my only instinct was that I wasn't going to be getting any effing sleep... why the shit else would I have googled it if my instincts were my wingman right now? assholes.

I trudged through a few more hours and I stayed up with her until she finally went back to sleep and then I headed to bed. I got 2 hours more sleep until she woke up again at 530. I just picked her up and brought her to bed with me. I know that's like the complete opposite of what I should have done but I was so damn worn out. so sue me.

today at nap, I rocked her to sleep and laid her down and left and she went right to sleep and napped her entire nap alone without waking up or crying.

I really have no idea what's going on here.

in other news, I was already aggravated when I rolled out of bed this morning since I'd spent 4 hours getting screamed at non-stop in the middle of the night. to make matters worse, c decided to change her own diaper... after she pooped.

I was in the middle of switching a load of laundry when she ran over to me and said "I change my diapa!" as she pushed the laundry room door open. I looked down and saw little poop handprints and just screamed "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!" like I need to be an opera singer because I held that note a long time.

I scooped her up and put her directly into the bathtub. daddy j got cleanup crew in the den where it all went down. he brought in her pajama pants to the bathroom and before he could open his mouth I said yelled "just throw those away!" I got her cleaned off and dressed again and our day went on as usual, but that didn't do much for my mood. I can tell you that.

I'm rocking c right now. if you're the praying type please send one up that she will sleep well tonight. if you are a good vibe person, i appreciate those too. :)

Thursday, May 16, 2013

home at last

for anyone in the greater Colorado area who noticed they haven't seen much mouse activity lately around their place, you're welcome. apparently our garage was club med for rats this year.

I left the car in the garage all year and after a new battery, it's up and running again except for the drivers side front tire which is acting wonky. it hasn't been driven to have a screwed up rotor or brakes, so I'm thinking thats where the rat senior citizens made their dirty little sex shack. no evidence of rat activity in the house. but still... exterminator call: check.

even though we had a neighbor checking on the house while we were gone, daddy j was convinced that there were hobos (or PC term: squatters) living in our basement. there, obviously, were none. I did leave a window unlocked this whole year though. whoops. the only thing we seem to cant find are spoons and pot lids. thieves... I'll tell you. devious. I wonder how much cutlery is going for on the black market these days?

it feels so great to be home. I put daddy j seriously to work on his first day of indentured servitude, but we got j's big boy room and c's toddler room all set up. other than that, my m.o. was cram shit places and then take the rest of the summer to declutter. we did get the things that go in the den and the things that go in the kitchen put away (re: stuffed) and cleaned. to the outsider it probably looks super clean, but all the cabinets are boobie trapped. take my word on this.

we are also transitioning c out of our bed and into her own (j isn't as difficult a sale) and it's going ok. last night she just wanted to sleep with brother:



what? dinosaurs are for girls too!

we tried to let her CIO at nap today but after 20 minutes I went into her and laid down in her toddler bed. I'm not exactly sure how it happened but I slept 2 hours all oragamed up in a toddler bed. I guess we were both pretty tired.

after my nap, I did a little grocery shopping (at Target! yay!) because we only had maraschino cherries and PBR in our fridge.



why I kept cherries but threw out ketchup and jelly is beyond me.



helllloooo, old friend.

we are almost back to a fully functioning household. and I can tell you that PBR didn't make it the night. :)

Monday, May 13, 2013

go west, young man

it's time to head back to Colorado.

our year in Mississippi is over. it's happy and sad at the same time. I didn't have the same visceral fear this time that I had last time I left to go to West Point. however, I can't discount the fact that I was profoundly sad to leave my parents' house. it was the last time I'll ever live there and the last time I'll probably ever visit that house since they just bought their new house. and I was sad to leave them. although at times I felt like I came crawling back home in a time of need (which lets admit it-- I kinda did), I mostly got to re-meet my parents. and they're awesome.

it was so hard to leave today but we are 10 hours into our journey and it feels good to be going home. the kids are going to lose their minds when they see all the toys of theirs that they forgot about. and I'm gonna be stoked that they'll probably be entertained long enough for me to do the pile of tasks that I need to do. yeeeaaahhhh right.

the uhaul is all packed. notably, I came to Mississippi with just the covered portion of my truck full. C and I are black belts in Tetris (and I did comment that we couldn't fit a fart back there when we were done), but still it was just the bed of the truck. today we have a 6 x 12 uhaul.



that's what a year looks like itemized, folks.

we've stopped a lot today and I don't care who you are there is limit to the number of times you can hear "Barney in the Jungle" before you leave your sanity somewhere on I-20.

sidebar: my son just said to me "you need to teetee in your pants so I can take a picture". ok. so we're all a little crazy today. speaking of teetee- did you know this town existed?



no thanks, Louisiana. I don't really think I wanna check out the rest stops in this town. if your tete is gross, I don't wanna know what your port-o-johns look like.

lastly, I don't recommend driving across MS, LA, and TX in lovebug season.



sooooo many lovebugs went to be with Jesus today.

we have another hour or two before we stop for the night. we plan to stop near Dallas. the traffic there is always terrible. please be kind to us Dallas. otherwise, you can count on me cutting my kids loose and it getting real buck wild in the nearest Cracker Barrel.

Saturday, May 11, 2013

meanwhile in brazil

just how much time are these brazilians spending on their iPhones?



you haven't truly experienced all that your iPhone has to offer til you've gotten a tweet from your kids' pickle. there's an app for that!

admittedly, as someone who is desperate to potty train when I saw this advertised on a baby old enough to be standing I thought- hmmm... that might be good. at the time I also thought that the bird chirped out loud while on their diaper to let them (and me) know that they'd gone in their drawers. you know like the 1999 definition of tweet. like it's gonna get real chirpy up I here until someone walks me to a toilet and gently reminds me that this is wear #1s and #2s go because my parents are so friggin sick of changing my diapers. .

yeah, but no. what's actually happening is that this high tech device is reading the humidity in your kids undercarriage and sending you a tweet. like zapping a little reminder over to you jumbled up between your updates about what new car Amanda Bynes has crashed this week or what delicious thing your baseball teammate from elementary school ordered at a restaurant in Miami.

and PLEASE tell me that you can link these tweets to all your social media accounts so that the people who already hate you for jamming up their newsfeed with pictures of your kids can now know when your kids piddle and can subsequently start formulating the super bug that will crash any computer every associated with your name.

I'll give them that it's a clever marketing tactic to get people to buy more diapers if people are willing to look past its asinine-ness. babies (especially newborns) do pretty much go all day long. no sooner do you change them than they've gone again. and sometimes parents (not me... no way) do let them go in a wet diaper an extra 5 minutes because damnit I deserve a cup of coffee before I have to change another damn diaper this very day. I guess a repetitive tweet that escalates to "change me right now you lazy turd" could be of use there.

I still think I like my original misinterpreted version better. does someone want to invent that or modify the existing design? I'm too busy attempting to potty train these people and logging too many bathroom hours to do it myself.

Friday, May 10, 2013

off the roller coaster

i guess i have kind-of been avoiding writing this.  if you have ever read my blog before you know that i try to be completely honest.  just like any time i sit down to write, i don't know what i am going to say exactly.  i have a general feel for what i want the picture to look like here on this blank canvas, but no idea how i am going to paint it... yet.  but, i know enough to know that i have been avoiding it because i estimate there will be tears involved-- happy, sad, or otherwise.

we have known since the day that daddy j left that he would be home on or before c's birthday.  the country that he was in has rules about how long that Soldiers can stay and 365 days is it.  we knew in march that he would be home on c's birthday.  talk about being conflicted.  i hated to rush away my time with c as a 1 year old, but man did i want daddy j home.  and i'll probably forever feel guilty for just wishing the last 3 weeks of c's 1st year would pass quickly.  similarly, i kind-of wished the same when we were 3 weeks out from her first birthday.  the lead up to the deployment is deplorable.

bye daddy j.  glad it's starting so the countdown to it being over finally can begin.

if i am being honest, (and i am) the last month-ish has absolutely been the hardest time this whole deployment.  it was harder than the first month.  harder than the month after midtour.  harder than any month out of this whole year.  c was on the cusp of the terrible twos and j must have spidey sense because they've both just been on the edge.  there have been LOTS of tears.  LOTS of tantrums.  LOTS of days where i didn't think i was going to make it.

wednesday (the day before daddy j came home) was a terrible day. the truck had to go into the shop for $2000 of maintenance, c was bouncing off the walls, j was whiny.  it was the complete opposite of what i think of when i think about how i wanted my last day to go before daddy j got home.  in my mind i had massages, spray tans, relaxing coffee drinking, angelic kids, choirs singing, rainbows.  you know, the usual.  i stayed stressed the entire day.  i just wanted to go to bed, but it seemed like everything was standing in the way.  just like with any bad day, though, time passed and it was time to go to sleep.

i set my alarm for 530 on thursday morning, but really didn't need to bother.  i was up at 12, and 2, and 3, and 330, and 4, and 430, and 5 from a combination of nerves and excitement.  i also found a way to track daddy j's flight and i was borderline obsessed with doing that:

what do you mean it's only moved 1/1000th of an inch in the last hour?

i got out of bed at 520 and started getting dressed.  i remember looking at myself in the bathroom mirror and thinking that i didn't know what i was feeling.  it had been so long since i had seen daddy j that i knew excited was part of what i was feeling.  i knew nervous was a part.  i even kneww that anxious was a part.  but the rest of what i was feeling was a jumbled up mess of disbelief that it was actually happening.  i know that i was on edge though because i was short with the kids. mommy resolution number 1.  i will work on that starting now.  ok, tomorrow.  it's bedtime afterall.

once the kids and i were dressed in our borderline matching outfits (but i like to call them heavily coordinated), we grabbed our balloons, our banner, and we headed out.


we picked him up at the airport 3 towns over.  the drive is only about 45 minutes, but we left an hour and a half early. when picking daddy j up for midtour, i was nearly late because of traffic and we weren't taking any chances this time.   my parents rode in one car and we rode in another.  

j was crazy super whiny and kept saying things just to be ugly.  he was an example of acting out at it's finest.   it's easy to forget just how much emotion affects kids.  i've been guilty this year of just assuming because the kids have cartoons, a place to sleep, fun people to be around, and access to FaceTime that the weight of the deployment isn't their shoulders at all.  looking back, i am not so sure that was right.  on the plus side, we did have a very fun year. when i look back on this year, i will have a lot of wonderful memories.  for that, i am thankful. 

we arrived at the airport a few minutes after 8 and parked.  we were in such a frenzy to get inside that i do not know what the heck we did with our parking stubs or any of our stuff or even where we parked.  we have 20 more minutes before daddy j arrived, but we were also so excited that we floated into the airport. but, it still didn't feel real at that point.  

once inside, we saw that the flight had been delayed by 10ish minutes which may as well have been an eternity.  normally, i am a pretty strict parent but not yesterday.  (well, for most of it anyway).  i was using all of the energy that i had in my entire body to keep myself from getting overwhelmed with emotion.  for anyone who saw us at the airport yesterday, i apologize that i let my kids run circles around the airport chairs and climb up and down and up and down, but they had a lot of energy they needed to get out and i needed to keep my energy inside. 



we sat and we waited and we waited and we waited.  his flight was originally supposed to get in at 833, but the new time was at 844. at 832 my mom wandered over to the arriving flights screen and said "it's here!  it's here!" which i didn't believe since it wasn't time.  she said "it's arrived!  it's here.  i don't know why but it is.." and we all jumped up and got our balloons and our sign and ran to the exit point.  

we ended up chatting with a few nice ladies and they took some pics of us holding the sign while we waited to see daddy j: 


but we didn't have to wait long really.  we were probably only standing at the exit for 3 or 4 minutes before we could see people coming off the plane through the glass (it's a super tiny airport).  i told the kids to come over so we could look, but they were too busy running around and beating each other with their balloons to care.  and c kept looking at the picture of her daddy and saying "my daddy!"  i said " you don't have to look at a picture of your daddy, he is about to be here and you can look at him"  but she was undeterred. so i said "well fine.  i am done worrying about y'all.  i am going to worry about me and you'll figure it out when you see him." 

no sooner did i turn around than i saw daddy j coming off the plane. 


i probably yanked j and c's arms out of socket when i grabbed them and pulled them over to the now open exit gate.  daddy j was doing his little scurry run through the roughly 100 feet between us.  it took j a minute but he saw daddy and he ran to him leaping up into the air. 


it reminded me of times when i watch so you think you can dance or dancing with the stars and they say "such trust there to leap to your partner like that." baby j jumped with his whole body into his daddy's arms.  it's such a wonderful reminder that even though daddy hasn't been here physically that baby j knew that daddy j will always catch him.

c got the memo shortly thereafter and ran to daddy too.


we kinda clogged up the exit there, but i don't think anyone minded.  i ran up to him and gave him a big hug too after he was done loving on the kids. there were a few people standing around at this point, but i only know that because of the VIDEO.  i really debated on giving my dad the camera or telling him to take video.  i am SO GLAD for the video.  it was definitely the way to go and i'll treasure it always.  thank you steve jobs for making an excellent product.

we really didn't waste much time with the hugging and stuff.  we went on downstairs and got j's luggage (even though we originally went to the wrong claim because we were just too excited to actually read the sign) and headed off to cracker barrel for c's bday.

we sang happy birthday to c in cracker barrel and went to NASA with the kids.  aside from it being the day that daddy came on we tried really hard to make it a normal ole' bday day for sis.  see... goofy as always:

i can't help myself.  it's what i do.

it was easier than i thought it would be in a lot of ways and harder in a lot too.  roller coaster. roller coaster complete.  

i want to say a special thank you to anyone who said a prayer for us or gave us a kind thought or sent positive energy to us this year.  i appreciate it more than you'll ever know.


it's over.  we made it. 


Thursday, May 9, 2013

Daddy's Home Video!

we have waited so long for this day! it's so c's 2nd birthday! what an awesome present! ;)




we rocked the matching red, white, and blue so hard


here's the video of daddy j coming home.


I'll post more about it soon when mr. jet-lagged passes out. I'm off to enjoy time with my family... all 4 of us!!!!

Wednesday, May 8, 2013

my lady lumps

the professional pictures from the wedding came back from the photographer today.  yay! or....99.9% yay and then there's that...

somebody has to be duct tape boobie girl. 

might as well be me. 

it's never a good thing when you get this text message: 

let me zoom that in for you while you get your reading glasses.  incidentally, my friend totally knows how to spell underwear. swear. 

 still not close enough?  ok... if you insist.

oooooohhhhhh no she did'n.  spanx aren't really helping when you have a wedgie. 

i think i need to send a thank you note to the photographer at honeysuckle hills.  it's not every day you get to have a professional zoom lens photo made of your cellulite.  luuuccckkkkyyy.  on the bright side, i literally could not stop laughing when i saw this picture. but, i think next time she needs to zoom in a little closer.  i don't think you get the full effect of all my divots at this angle and from this distance... just a little tip from one photographer to another.

i prefer pictures of me like this one.  you know- where basically i am just like a turtle.  

oh well.  all the pictures of the bride are gorgeous and that's all that matters. and i am pretty sure that i am the only person who got any pg 13 pics taken, sooooo high five for that.  

if you want to read the wedding recap it's HERE and if you wanna read why i am ok with my cellulite being broadcast on the interwebs, read HERE








Tuesday, May 7, 2013

my best friend's wedding

c, j, and i started the morning off early.  i woke up at about 530 and decided to adventure out to the porch to take in some of the breathtaking mountain views while all was quiet. the clouds were ominous and heavy, but the sun was peeking through trying so hard to shine.  i knew that h wanted to have an outdoor wedding so i said a little prayer while i sat in the silence that the weather would be lovely for her day.

when everyone woke up, we went downstairs to find ms. jm  preparing biscuits and gravy for the cabin.  as it turns out, biscuits and gravy are d's favorite and most requested breakfast.  as ms. jm was cooking she taught h how to make it as well.  i found it special and poignant that on her wedding day, h learned how to make d's favorite home cooked breakfast from his mom. 

h and d needed to go and pick up their marriage license after breakfast and run a few other errands.  they arrived back to the cabin and it was time to start getting ready.  i arrived to the master suite in time to see h getting her hair done by her (very soon to be) sister-in-law.  i sat down on the floor and started doing my make-up and just sort-of watched, in awe, at how beautiful my best friend looked on her wedding day.  

after h finished with her hair and makeup, we all started zipping around in a frenzy of activity trying to ensure we were out of the cabin on time.  i joked that i felt like kevin mcallister's family before they left to go on vacation only there couldn't be anyone left behind.  there was a chorus of toilets flushing, shouting, stair climbing, and a less than faint buzz of excitement in the air. we were given a go time of 410 and i my clock said 412 when we left out.  i am pretty impressed that 17 people were able to make it out of the cabin only 2 minutes behind schedule. 

the drive to the ceremony site was scenic and everything was just a mesmerizing green.  green trees and fields and grass are a definite bright side of the preceding days of drizzling rain.  we arrived at the ceremony site and were greeted by 5 horses and a few donkeys to our left and a lush field with a ceremony site and wooden bridge tucked away in the back corner.  

h left to go upstairs to begin getting dressed immediately.  she must have been as excited to get in her wedding gown as we all were to see her in it.  she came out of the restroom in her dress, but unzipped, and we all watched as she went from a beautiful girl in a white dress to a gorgeous bride with the last inch of zipper.  

the photographer came in quickly after h was dressed to take pictures of her.  we handed h her gorgeous bouquet of roses in a variety of pinks. the photographer got a few pictures of h with her mom and a few with baby j and one or two with me and baby j and c.  i am sure the photographer tells every bride that she looks lovely, but i know that even she, who sees brides everyday, thought that h looked breathtaking.  



after the few pictures in the dressing room we were ushered out to a nearly secret set of stairs to the ceremony site.  we waited to be told when to go and went in order. the kids and i walked with the best man and we took our turn after both sets of parents.  ms. jm was escorted by her husband t, and h's mom was escorted by h's brother.  as the best man, the kids and i were walking out, i happened to glance behind me and i caught a glimpse of h in a 2nd story window beaming down at me.  we made eye contact and she gave me a sort of half wave.  i turned around to keep on walking, but i smiled even bigger knowing that we shared a special little moment between the two of us. 

the kids portion didn't exactly go as planned.  c had a little crush on one of the teenagers at the wedding, so instead of walking down the aisle she ran to him.  it was just as well because the ring bearer was easily sidetracked and had just been bribed with ice cream.  moments after we took our places at the outdoor alter, h's processional music started and she started the journey to the alter too.  

even though she looked captivating, i forced myself to look away and to focus on d's reaction to seeing her for the last time as his fiance' before she became his wife. i do hope someone was photographing his face because his smile went global in a blink of an eye.  he leaned over to say something to his best man and they exchanged a look and both grinned as big as i have ever seen either of them.  

heather took her place at the alter and i was handed the boutique. the ceremony began and my favorite part was when d said his vows to h.  the minister asked them to look into each other's eyes for the repeating of the vows.  d looked directly at her and it was obvious that he meant every word.  as someone who loves h, it felt important that all of us know that he will love her and cherish her and protect her. he left no doubt in my mind.



when it came time to do the rings, h and d had them passed around to the pews and everyone got to say a special blessing or happy thought over the rings.  it was the first time i had ever seen that done at a ceremony and i really loved it.  i can't speak for everyone but i suspect that most prayed for a long, happy life for them and i do hope that their wedding bands carry those well-wishes with them every day of their lives. 

d and h exchanged the rings and sealed their marriage with kiss.  we were introduced to the new mr. and mrs. w and were led over to a weeping willow tree where we were able to hug the newlyweds and where they posed for a few pictures:



once all of the pictures were done, we headed off to a lovely dinner at a local steakhouse.  the food was absolutely divine, but the company was even better. while we ate, h dawned d's suit jacket and just looked the most at ease i have seen her in years.  there is something about her that's magnetic and h is simply radiant when she is happy. 

as an only child, i have never known what it is like to have a sister by birth.  however, i picked long ago to have h be my sister by choice.  we have a long history of life behind us and a long history of life before us.  i am so thankful that i was able to be there for her on her special day. i am positively thrilled to have a new "brother" and elated just thinking about all of the many wonderful blessings that are before them on life's journey.


Sunday, May 5, 2013

walk a mile in my shoes

when in Rome, do as the Romans do. when in Tennessee, quote Elvis. yep, pretty much the same thing.

I had a very unpleasant experience today and I'd love to tell you all about it, but first I want you to be familiar with the chorus of this Elvis Song:




I'll set the scene. It was Sicily 1915... (6 made-up bonus points to anyone who guess that one) But really it wasn't Sicily. it was this morning at a restaurant.

we are in gatlinburg for the wedding and we all wanted to go eat together for breakfast. despite my near harassment persistence in calling the restaurant to let them know we were coming they weren't prepared when we arrived. through a series of events that aren't important to the story or worth recounting our group of 17 ended up at 5 separate tables. I guess I should have specified when I called ahead that "we were a group of 17 that would like to sit at one long table which is why I am calling you to inform you our group of 17 is coming, numb nuts." but alas, I thought all that went without saying. all except that last part. I typically reserve the numb nuts moniker for people who, indeed, prove themselves to be numb nuts. seating a group of 17 at 5 different tables? TNNM. total numb nuts move. but I digress.

thanks to the ridiculous seating arrangements ... and the fact that we should have brought walkie talkies to coordinate seating charts from the four corners of the earth we were seated, I ended up at a table alone with j and c.

now lets face it. and I'll admit it. going out to eat with toddlers typically goes one of 2 ways. wonderful or earth please swallow me up and leave no remains of my existence. nope, never any middle ground on this one. it's usually pretty predictable which way it's gonna go and when you are scooping your kid up off the floor from their 5th tantrum you think to yourself "nope. that chalupa definitely wasn't worth this." however, sometimes the spawn of satan just decides to throw your sanity a going out of business sale without any warning. enter today.



aren't I adorable? good! because I'm about to make you rue the day you were born.

after finally navigating our way to the table after all the confusion, we were waited on promptly. waitress #19 (honestly, that's what her name tag said) thought she was being helpful by bringing over some crayons. 5 to be exact: 1 red. 1 blue. 1 green. 1 yellow. 1 purple. she handed all 5 to j and none to c. here OCD 3 year old, you can have these 5 crayons but you have to hand some to your sister. uh no. stupid me made j give a crayon to his sister rather than going in my diaper bag o' fun and coming up with some other happy meal toy for c. and boy did I pay for that stupid. stupid move.

the minute I took that crayon away j bought himself a 1 way ticket to crazy town and never looked back. I finally got the crayon back from c to give to j but it was too late. we are talking wailing screams and tears. I ran over and put my hand over his mouth to muffle the sound and that's when it started.

the elderly lady sitting behind j started in with her 2 cents. she was talking to her husband and saying loudly with the intent for me to hear her "what's wrong with her? she has no control over her kids! why would she bring them here if they were going to act like that?"... and so on and so forth.

meanwhile, j dropped a crayon. you were probably wondering why I gave you the full details on colors and numbers of crayons earlier. it doesn't seem important to me either, but oh boiiiii is it important to him and I've learned it has to now be important to me too.

he thought he dropped his red crayon onto the floor but he dropped his yellow crayon onto the chair. he immediately jumped up and crawled under the table while wailing siren like noises. I snatched him from under the table and borderline screamed "USE YOUR WORDS!!!!!!!" he said "I dropped my crayon!" seeing the yellow crayon on the chair, I proudly picked it up and presented it to him. what a joke. he then screamed "no my RED CRAYON!" well. his red crayon was still sitting on the table which I tried to point out but he was undeterred, not convinced, and inconsolable by this point. so, like any desperate person, I crawled under the table, in a dress, and searched and prayed and searched hoping that a red crayon would show up.

the lady behind me really got infuriated by that. I only caught pieces of it between ducking in and out from the table but the cliff's notes version are that I was ruining her meal. God Bless her bitchy old heart.

I'll spare you the rest of the meal drama but it involved me crawling around on the floor like an asshole thrice. one spanking. and a few wishes that the earth would swallow me whole, leave the kids, but to be sure to take my purse so Id have my iPhone.

c got upset finally and we just had to leave. I picked up c, grabbed j by the hood of his rain jacket and dragged him out of the restaurant. I walked 3 blocks back to the car in the soaking rain pretty much choking on tears.

I've been pretty sensitive lately waiting for daddy j to come home, but I'd have probably cried no matter what the circumstance today.

before you say, I'd have told that lady off if I were you... I'll say "I'd have let you tell that lady off if you were with me but I was too busy limboing under the table and keeping c from base jumping from the high chair to take a timeout to destroy this lady with words".

when I got to my vehicle I strapped the kids in and cried for a good 15 minutes. daddy j called, luckily, and I told him I completely understand why people shoot strangers.

I know that my kids' screaming wasn't exactly Kenny G soothing but the "why would she bring them here alone" line was just a dagger through the heart. (<- had to sneak in a little Dolly Parton.)

I wish that lady had a 1/1000th of a clue just how much I wish my husband was with me at that little 4 top table. I'd love nothing more than to never take my kids to a Sunday breakfast alone ever again.

hey lady! you know why I would have the audacity to bring my kids to the restaurant alone? because I didn't have any choice. certainly not because I wanted to ruin your breakfast.

allow me to introduce you: bitch meet empathy. empathy meet bitch.

I know I've been disgruntled at restaurant or on a plane or in. store too, but I try to remember first be foremost that everyone is just doing the best that they can. and words, after all, cut like a knife.

this lady might have had her breakfast ruined but she managed to ruin my day. if only she could have walked a mile in my shoes, she might have kept her big ugly trout moth shut.

I guess I'll consult the deployment schedule before I roll the dice on allowing my kids to eat out. I'd hate to think i might upset someone's pancake experience.

Friday, May 3, 2013

tea baggin'

j and c are going to get to be the ring bearer and flower girl, respectively, for the first time on Monday! and, they get to wear their Easter outfits again:




squeeeeeeee!!!!! I am so happy to see them in these outfits one more time!

since j is going to be walking down an aisle, he needed to get a fresh fade for the occasion. we all know how much I dread haircut time. I made the earliest possible appointment Thursday so maybe I could feed him, promise him a second breakfast, and get the whole thing done before a sugar crash. upon arriving, I explained to Ms. Linda that j does not, will not, wont not wear a cape.




nope. not falling for the cape giving you super powers, kid. I was born in the morning, but it wasn't this morning.

by skipping the cape meltdown, I think we set the pace for a good haircut. he sat still and it was over with quickly. a lot quicker than either Ms. Linda or I thought it would be. and since he got done so fast, Linda had time to do a trim on my hair before her next client.

Knowing that j wouldn't go for the cape, I brought an extra shirt for him to wear. But since I was in a hurry to get done, I just took his hairy shirt off of him, sat down in the chair, and he ran off to play in the toy corner.

somewhere about 1/2 head in to my haircut, I look over to see him standing there naked as a jaybird. buck.naked. just chillin in the play area without a care (or stitch of clothing) in the world. I said "excuse me one moment" and ran over to where he was in search of a pull-up, his pants, a loin cloth, anything. I got him redressed in his pull-up and apologized to Ms. Linda. As I sat down, I said "I bet that doesn't happen around here too often" and without missing a beat she replied "Eh. it happens more often than you think" and kept on cutting.

I think it goes without saying that I left my biggest tip yet and was seriously considering leaving a container of Lysol wipes on their doorstep and running.

never a dull moment around here. and I know he is going to hate me when he is 15 and this story is floating around on the Internet. that's a risk I am willing to take.

In addition to packing for the Tennessee trip, we've also started packing for our return trip to Colorado Springs. I have been really busy packing things, moving things, etc and with a daughter like c that's just an invitation for trouble. Here are some of her best moments caught on film:




She was giving herself a 'mufstush. I personally thought she looked like the Port-o-Potty man after a hard day on the job.




"I fount canty" uh no. actually you found gumballs and after changing her diaper I can say with certainty it does not stay in your stomach forever. Liars.

In other news, I really don't know what # stuff is about but if I did I'd # the next picture #ClampettProblems.




I'll give you a minute to guess what that is...

Yep. You are most definitely looking at a clothes hamper, stuffed with toys, and wrapped in Saran wrap.

you're welcome for that packing tip.

off to sleep now because a 0400 wakeup to drive 9 12 hours in the car with 2 toddlers comes early.

Location:Clairmont Ave,Pascagoula,United States

Wednesday, May 1, 2013

shopping for the new bod

i am going out of town this weekend to a wedding in Tennessee.  as i said in this post, getting used to this new body has been difficult.  dressing my new body in clothes that look good and make me feel good has been nearly impossible, but today i set forth on a mission to conquer the short fat legs and the humongous (saggy) knockers.  i am pleased to say that i did it.  here is how:

first things first, i went in with a good attitude.  every time i have ever gone shopping since kids, i have just snatched up stuff in my size-ish, crossed my fingers, saddled up to some crisco, lubed up, and hoped for the best in the great fight with the tight clothes.

today, i was going to have fun.  laugh. try LOTS of different things on and see what worked best.  

the first store i went into, i brought at least 18 things to the dressing room.  and i tried on every single one.  some things worked better than others and i walked out with only one shirt that would work.  it wasn't this one: 

please tell me one single person who wears a size L/XL that will not be wearing a bra?!?  

or maybe bra straps are sexy now?
if ryan gosling says it, it must be true. 

i guess that explains why it was on clearance and they had lots of L/XLs left. 

after heading out of that store and my trying on all those clothes i discovered a few things: 
a. big boobies need to be accompanied by shirts with a defined waists.  i am pretty sure that applies to everyone, not just me. 
b. saggy bellies do not look nice in high-waisted pants.  mom jeans are not a good look.  there is a reason why people make fun of them.
c. spanx are a necessary evil.  hey, if the kardashians can wear them every single day, why not me?
d. short legs require shorts that are somewhere between look at that girl with dem daisy dukes on and bermuda ...and capris are a NO-GO.  a hell-no-go to be precise. 

store number 2 didn't have quite as much that met my criteria, but i still tried on a few things that i thought would work and this shirt for a quirky ironic vibe: 

 i really don't know why everyone does not own one of these... 

i ended up picking up a few shirts that fit my new bod rules and wouldn't give sigfried and roy ptsd there and a dress at another store.  the dress was SUPER cute, but they only had a medium.  my child bearing hips really needed a large for comfort but i decided that the spanx i purchased a couple weeks ago would solve the problem and make for a win/win. 

 i bought the spanx at discount store and didn't try them on- circa all my previous clothes buying experiences.  i decided i'd better try them on for good measure tonight since 3 of my outfits for this weekend require them. and surprise! surprise!  


and this is why you don't buy your spanx at a discount store, folks. 

i could just pull my underwear up really high, but that just makes me feel like a ruffles potato chip. ruffles have ridges, y'all.  so, it looks like i will be buying some new spanx soon.  i'll drink to that. 

all in all, today was a pretty successful day and i think i walked away with a few things that i feel good in and look good in.

i was thinking back to when i was at the same weight for about 10 years.  i always wanted to be 10lbs thinner.  i struggled with those 10lbs constantly, just like i am struggling with these 10.  i was never happy unless i was at the 10lbs less weight and when i was there it just wasn't maintainable.  i was miserable and hungry and hangry.  i decided today that i am going to love me, dress me the best i can at this weight, and just be awesome at this 10lbs heavier than i want to be weight.  my goal is to be healthy and happy.  i know that the weight will come off eventually and if i do all the right things there is no reason to beat myself up all the time over those last 10.  

the moral of the story is that we've all been here. it's tough. but i can tell you from experience that dressing yourself- no matter what size- in clothes that make you feel good makes all the difference.  you don't have to go out and spend a ton of money (confession: i buy all my jeans from Wal-Mart because they look the best on me and i feel good in them.  walmart jeans, i love you.).  go out and treat yourself to something that makes you feel amazing.  funny thing about feeling amazing in your clothes is that it actually helps make you motivated to do all that other stuff that makes you feel amazing.  eat better.  workout more.  etc.  it's a happy little cycle that all leads to a better you.  

you deserve it.  

torch those mom jeans and get into something that makes you feel like you did when you were 22.

after baby body

lookie here.  i KNOW  for a fact that not everyone who has a baby bounces back like heidi klum and is walking the runway in 6 weeks- in a bikini no less!  at the very least, even if you go back to your pre-baby weight by the time you leave the hospital (haters gon' hate... gurrrrlll), your body pieces never quite go back to where they started.  but for those other 99% of people who don't snap back into pre-baby weight a good many of them are going to try to make you feel like they did.  remember, let's all just get real, shall we?  still applies. i'm here to tell you the honest truth about things and to give you some pointers i have picked up along the way. 

even though you gain some serious poundage and start having to buy your bras in sizes like 38Long instead of 38D...at the end of the day you have an awesome little baby(ies) to show for it, so it's totally worth it. buuuutttt it does take some getting used to.  that's for sure.  and for a lot of us, getting the baby weight off is hard work-work.  with a new baby dangling from your mammal teats or keeping you up all night or spiting up on you the minute you put on anything nicer than your husbands old stained t-shirt, the last thing you wanna do is put on something nice, put some clean foods into your body, and go for a run.  been there.  not done that.  you don't have to front with me.

after i had j, my husband and i knew that we wanted to have another baby pretty quickly and, honestly, it was easier for me to eat target red velvet cakes for breakfast and wear sweatpants than it was to worry about my waistline. that's especially true because heavy d over here gained 75lbs during my first pregnancy and had no plans of taking it easy on baby baking round deuce.  needless to say, there are not very many pictures of me from after baby j was born, but i'll share a few with you here because i am transparent like that: 


what's that you say?  i can't hear you over the noise my FUPA is making trying to escape those pants...

now there is a fool-proof strategy: hide your be-hind behind your family.

now. shopping for my new bod was something i DREADED.  i definitely didn't fit in anything (comfortably) that mr. klein or ms. taylor made. i bought a lot of stuff without trying it on and felt generally pretty crappy about myself from december 09 until august 11.  that's a LONG time to hate your body friends.  

after i had c i managed to get off all the baby weight by using the Weigh Down Diet, which is pretty much not really a diet at all, but a lifestyle.  i'll post on that another time, but what i am getting at here is that i got of all the baby weight but keeping it off has been a struggle.  i am constantly fighting with 10lbs.  right now with all the stress i have going on in my life, i am letting the 10lbs take up residence, but i will resume the good fight soon when we get settled once daddy j gets home.  today i decided that it was time to dress this new meagan to make her look good without worrying about what the scale says.  

to be continued...