Tuesday, April 30, 2013


it's almost may.

daddy j left last may, so it's nearly daddy j come home month! I am so relieved.

I can count on one hand the number of times I have cried this year. on those rare occasions I cried, it was because I felt exhausted with no end in sight.

I got so used to that feeling that when I was in Claire's today buying c a bracelet and myself a pair of festive earrings for when daddy j comes home, I hardly knew how to handle feeling something new.

In Claire's, I bought C a little bracelet with beads and a heart made out of the American Flag. When showing it to my mom, I found myself crying and I couldn't stop. I typically don't like objects made of the American Flag but that little heart just summed up everything for me this year.

Our hearts left with Daddy when he left. but we are so proud of him and what he has been doing for our Country. AND I am so relieved he will be home soon. I tried not to think about him coming home because it seemed so far away and now every time I do I cry.

it's so hard to believe its real. it's so hard to believe that we will be whole again. it's so hard to believe we made it (almost)!

1. alleviation, ease, or deliverance through the removal of pain, distress, etc.
2. a means or thing that relieves pain, distress, anxiety, etc.

3. all of the above

our Hero is almost home!

Monday, April 29, 2013

good grief

i am so sick and tired of my kids fighting all the damn time.

it's fixin' to get real matrix on yo' face up in here!

i literally cannot leave the room without hearing 5 seconds later "bang!" "pow!" " zap!" "funt!" "koom!" you know, because my kids are obviously comic book characters from the 50s, but you get what i am saying. as a matter of a fact, i am hearing all those noises right now and i am ignoring them.

c, I'm really sorry I compared you to this big Bertha type. please don't hate me when you are a teenager.

i am an only child and i have no idea what the heck to do with two kids beating the hell out of each other at every opportunity. none whatsoever. i can tell you that everything i have been doing is not working because day in and day out it's beating time. they even beat each other up in the middle of the night for pete's sakes.

i have a new strategy. i am just going to let them wallop each other until a clear winner has been declared and hope that puts an end to Drew Family WWF. I have an inclination which one of these kids is gonna be the winner and it's not looking good for the oldest.

I hope that's not what your nose permanently looks like when your sister gets done with you, kid.

in this corner weighing in at 37 lbs and wearing the red pull-up we have punchman j. and in this corner weighing in at 31 lbs and wearing the fairy diapers we have bitemaster c. tap gloves. keep the fight clean.

momma said knock you out. so I'm gonna knock you out.

I know that they get it out of their system and go back to being adorable and best friends.

we love each other soooo much until we break out the shanks made from Popsicle sticks and mom's fear.

someone please tell me what to do in case the cage match doesn't work. I'm out of my league.

Saturday, April 27, 2013


first of all. do. not. go. to. Walmart. on. a. Saturday. unless you want to see everyone you know. definitely definitely don't go without makeup and without having brushed anything. (and with scabs on your face)

me so sorry. I promise it's not contagious.

I'm sorry if you saw me at Walmart today. I'll try harder next time.

In other news, my parents bought a house. They've spent a lot of time working in the yard and we went to hang out during some of it yesterday. C was running around like a lunatic in the yard and I was so afraid she was going to run into the street. As I watched the cars drive by, I kept thinking that I wished speed limits were 10 mph in residential areas. which reminded me of a period in time when I was a teen driver and the mean old b around the corner told me to slow down every time I drove by...even though I was abiding by the speed limit. I was a newish driver and I was proud to do the right thing/ terrified of the police. 3/4 of that last statement is still correct, btw.

this went on for a period of like 6 months. I don't know why she was always outside, but that's beside the point.

I remember one day it was late October and I was going to the hospital children's ward to take the kids trick or treating. we were supposed to be dressed up and I decided to go as a Christmas tree. I had on brown tights, a tree skirt for a skirt, a green turtle neck with Christmas balls safety pinned on it (thanks for putting out your Christmas decorations obscenely early Wal-Mart), and a tree angel on my head.

I headed off to go to the hospital and drove by the lady's house (going the speed limit, not fiddling with the radio, and hands at 10 and 2) and the lady told me arms fully waving "SLOOOOWWWW DOOOWWWNNN!"

I slammed on the brakes. I had had enough! I got out of the car in my Christmas Tree costume, balls just a dangling, and mad-walked the 50ish feet over to where the lady was standing.

as long as I live I will never forget her face. for starters, she was a slight woman and I probably looked like a angry Eastern European weight lifter. an angry Eastern European weight lifter dressed as a Christmas tree. balls and all. double entendre intended.

she looked 30% disbelief, 30% fear, and 30% astonishment, and 10% pure confusion. I am just guessing at the percentages here. statistics never were my strong suit. when I got over to where she was I simply said "you tell me to slow down every day. every day I'm doing the speed limit. do you really think I would dress up as a Christmas Tree to go take children in the hospital trick or treating if I had intentions of running them over?!?" and I walked off. ok, more like jingled off before she had a chance to respond.

at the time and up until about 3 hours ago, I thought I was right and fully within my rights to drive down that road at the posted 25 and confront that lady. now, as a mom of a darter, I get it. to the b around the corner, I'm sure 25 might as well have been 100mph while blindfolded, eating a burrito and texting.

I still think she could have left the dramatics to the thespians, but hey, that was part of jig. I know that now I am the old b around the corner and if I piss off a few teens trying to protect my kids-so be it.

at least i'll know both sides of the story if I am ever approached by a Christmas Tree, teletubby, lawn jockey, or otherwise. and I'll be sure to tell them "I get it. you are following the traffic laws, I'm just a crazy overprotective mom and would love it if you would please consider my house a 10mph zone"

so to the people of Walmart, I am sorry. to the b around the corner, I hope retirement is treating you well. I happily assume your duties. You may relieve your post. I gots dis.

Friday, April 26, 2013

pointless drivel about royals

I wouldn't say I'm an anglophile, but I do take a fair amount of interest in the goings on with the real life every day Princess and the royal bump. Especially since all America has left me with is Kim Kardashian. poor America.

I also took on a subtle, but pretty astounding British accent when I was watching Downton Abbey everyday. But that's a story for another time...

I don't go in search of information about the royals, but when it pops up on people.com I usually take a look. today they had these pictures that looked to me like prince William was crashing the party:

if that baby comes out a ginger I will say I told you so. and I don't blame you one bit, Kate. I don't know many people that can work out being a double princess, but I have faith in you, girl.

Wednesday, April 24, 2013

sleep training

I am trying some sleep training with c now so that the transition is a little easier on her when we get home.

don't ask. it's not going well.

step 1: using a noise machine so that there is a constant level of noise that she's used to. I'm hoping if she falls asleep in a room with noise that now when our neighbors 5 doors down fart sitting down on a down-stuffed bed it won't wake her up.

I know I'm a little late to the noise machine party. I didn't think she really needed it since she has slept in the same room--if not in the same bed with me since she came home from the hospital. especially because I've been told I snore. I will neither confirm or deny those allegations.

anyway, the machine I have now runs on batteries and has like 4 choices: heartbeat, white noise, rain and ocean. the heartbeat is a no-go. it gives me the jimjams and reminds me of clockwork orange. I don't know why it does, but that's the stuff nightmares are made of for sure. so far we've tried rain and ocean since hb was out before we even got started. I thought rain was pretty good until I realized I was getting up to pee like 8 times a night. she might be getting sleep trained, but I'd have to drag my mattress Into the bathroom to sleep. no thanks. the seagulls in the ocean one sound like jazz musicians from the roaring twenties and I'm not into dreaming about f. Scott Fitzgerald or Babe Ruth, so that's out. on second thought, f. Scott might not be so bad, but Babe Ruth is not my cup of absinthe.

tonight is our first night with "white noise" I really, really hope that we can cut back to 3 or less wake- ups tonight. wish us luck!

Tuesday, April 23, 2013

what up, chuck?

guess who is a proud sponsor of PBS?...  you guessed it. clever marketing, Chuck.

we all know that I use PBS to babysit my kids every now and again when I need to wash my dreadlocks hair or I don't know... type this stuff out.

they *may* or may not be in a PBS coma right now.

every day (usually at least 10 times), j asks "can we go to Chuck E Cheese where a kid can be a kid?" and every day I say "not today" well, that is until today.

this morning I realized we would be out of town and halfway to the nearest C.E.C at lunchtime. I told j that today was his lucky day and that we could go but he had to be sooooo good at the appointment I was headed to.  bribery at it's finest.  go ahead and judge me.

j was good. c wasn't. surprise? no. we went anyway. when daddy j gets home it'll be much easier to not take the offender. your days of piggy-back funning are numbered, c. better get yo' mind right guuuurrrrrlll.

we arrived at C.E.C. and after we waited for an an indeterminate amount of time (felt like an hour, was probably 5 minutes) we all got matching invisible number stamps on our arms to protect the kids from this sort of toddler disappearing act.  and we got to place our food order.  we got 1 medium pizza, 4 drinks, 2 salad bars, and 20 tokens.  i was holding $40.00 of cash money and when the ex-meth head told me my total. not only did i put the 2 jackson twins back in my wallet and grab my debit card, but i was ashamed of how foolish i'd been to think $40 would cover that.  mom shaming... is that a website yet?

once we had secured our TSA-approved plastic cutlery we headed off to the room where those creepy animals put on an automated show every 10 minutes.  ma'am went and got drinks while i stayed with the party people.  and sometime while we were waiting for the food to get there, c picked up 2 tokens and put them in her mouth like a little germy appetizer.  i am pretty sure i'd have rather her licked the bathroom floor because i bet they at least wash that once a week.

once the food arrived, i will say that i was pleasantly surprised how good it was. i am not a pepsi person and that was all that they had, but i accepted it and moved on.  the pizza was thin crust and banging- the kids thought so too. the entire medium pizza was consumed by the 4 of us.  and my kids were responsible for 6 of those pieces.  guess who is going shopping for 5T and 3T kids' clothes soon?

after food it was off to play.

i just freaking love you so much, barney.  thanks for the heads-up about this place. 

c was mostly more interested in running around and screaming than actually playing, but that was to be expected.  j played a few games and we kicked a little pancakes (re: butt) at skeeball before we had almost run out of tokens.

the kids had 2 tokens left a little boy ran up to the machine next to me, looked up with big puppy dog eyes and said "where'd all my tokens go!?!" and so i went to hand him 1 of my kids' last 2.  he tried to pry the other one out of my ninja grip.  what a little jerk.

when the kids got done playing nature called and i left ma'am and the cuties on the indoor playground equipment while i went to take care of my business.  on the walk back  to the potty, i noticed that they had the emergency door by the bathrooms WIDE open.  so much for the invisible number stamps... because child molesters and kidnappers would NEVER use the back door.  stooopid.

in the 3 minutes i was in the bathroom some ish went down.  i got the story second hand from my mom later, but the high points involved my son getting double foot kicked by some teenage spring break jerkface and my mom yelling shrieking "OH HELLLLLLL NOOOOO!"  so loudly that literally every parent or guardian in the building came over to the playground to see what was about to go down.

fight!  fight!  fight!  fight! retired school teacher vs. prick kid on WWF channel at noon.  call your local cable provider for details.

the kid stayed up in the playground where he was safe from bodily harm and got a little lesson on William Congreve grandma style because afterall, Hell hath no fury like a [ma'am] scorned. When she saw me come around the corner she shrieked again "MEAGAN! MEAGAN! MEAGAN! I CAN'T GET HER OUT OF THERE!!!!!!" which totally didn't give me a heart attack at all. i came a running in my flip flop espadrilles- that was a sight. when i finally make it over to the equipment to see:

only in this instance frankenstein is a good guy (re: SEETHING GRANDMOTHER) and that curly top is j. (but he wasn't wearing Dress Gray as he is more a plaid shorts and polo type)

i also saw c coming down off the equipment to safety and her bow was still even on- so that was good.  after that experience the fun was pretty much over.  on the way out, we stopped by to get our 2 sweet tart candies that cost me approximately $30 dollars in tokens, 1 almost assault charge, and 3 instances of me name-calling a juvenile.  (remember that post about helicopter parenting?  that does NOT apply at C.E.C.) 

when we left, i noticed that C.E.C. was across the street from Planned Parenthood.  I let you ponder that for a minute...

not shown is a starbucks two doors down.  city planners, FOR THE WIN!

i know you won't believe this, but i am sure we will go back to C.E.C. soon.  the fact of the matter is, the kids had fun and that's all that matters. the only difference is next time we will bring daddy j since ma'am has sworn C.E.C. as her enemy for life.

Sunday, April 21, 2013

today in pictures

lawdy. there was a whole lot of crazy up in here to-day. tomorrow will be better. I'm willing it so now. That works, right?

here are the fun parts of today. I won't show you the shoe store meltdown or the child that lost his mind somewhere between 725pm and 729pm to be found again somewhere around 754pm.

so anyway... here you go:

ma'am, you definitely need a backwards fedora and 3D glasses. trust me on this.

some girls have tea parties with their baby dolls when they play princess dress up. some waterboard. I don't know what to tell you.

I discovered these. that's a bad, bad thing that tastes soooo so good.

we finally thought that making a countdown chain wasn't too far fetched. whoop! I can't tell you how far off bc that's opsec, but you'll know he's home when you see pictures of all 4 of us. ;)

C took this picture of the cat when she was playing with my phone illegally. heeeyyyy Moscow. how you doin?... better than Magnolia.
you can read what the heck I am talking about Here and Here

and if you just want to feel better about your life, you can read this

you're welcome for that last one. I warned you though. ;)

Saturday, April 20, 2013

trouts in the night

so this is how my night went.

me: zzzzZzzzZzzzZzz

*noise that was most definitely out-of-water trout flapping on the ground.

me: *around 230am sit straight up in bed with ninja speed! and arms just like this ready to karate-chop the trout's perp face (reenactment. names were not changed to protect the innocent):*

what.the.HELLLLLLLL? is that trout?

but what do my wandering eyes should appear but 4 flying hands from my 2 little dears. reminder: j and c sleep in the bed with me every night. Y'ALL. these two were in a straight up ladies night bar fight in the bed. at 230am. complete with open palm slapping and hair pulling. what? double WHAT?

I mean. I have had some bad dreams and wanted to punch the dream offender when I woke up before, but I've never acted on it. and it's a good thing too because I bet I'd throw a mean right hook when the other person is still unconscious and can't fight back.

so anyway. I did what any rational person would do who didn't want to lose anymore sleep. I became Switzerland.

armed neutrality. it's like 1815 up in this full-sized bed.

only c was wide awake from her tactical open palm assault on her brother and didnt want resettle. 5 minutes later we were watching will ferell make a fool of himself on the MTV awards but neither of us were too happy about it.

Italy is just so angry all the time. must be all the carbs.

30 minutes of that and we were in the bathroom at 315ish making binoculars and kardashian kollection jewelry out of toilet paper rolls.

10ish minutes of that and j woke back up and came pinging out of the bedroom and said "I'm up in the middle of the night! lets eat something!" uh no.

back to bed.

it'll only took until about 5 to get them both back to sleep and I got to left plank for the next 3 straight hours while I kept the little sleep terrorists from slapping each other.

have I mentioned how much I love my children today?

Thursday, April 18, 2013


I can't imagine why anyone would really be interested in reading this, but I'll be glad to have it documented later on in life- so I'll go with that.

4am- wake up. c and j so graciously got up with me?!? I don't think it was solidarity. I think it had more to do with the alarm clock that had been going off for 3 hours by this point in the kitchen.  no, i don't know why there was an alarm clock in the kitchen. and yes, i thought about shooting it at close range with a double barrel shotgun.  but, i don't have a double barrel shotgun, so that's that.  then again, aren't alarms supposed to be automatic shutoff after some allotted amount of time where they realize you are either not around or you're covering your head with a pillow and powering through?

430- shower. yep, can't really elaborate much on that. except that I had a real internal (with perhaps some verbal muttering) debate about deodorant. I know all the other times I've had surgery deodorant was a no-go. my pre-admit paper didnt say anything about not wearing it, so I just decided to go with a little. I figured worst case scenario I could say I accidentally rubbed up against it. no, I didn't really work out the details on that.  best to go with a white lie on the spot in situations like that one.

515- leave for surgery center.

530- stand outside the locked doors wondering if we got the times mixed up even though we were sure the lady said 530.

sometime after 530 but before 6, the lady told me to come in and come on back. I got the rest of the way signed in, got my bracelets, and carried on.

the nurse lady came to get me and told me to pee in a cup for a pregnancy test. no use in arguing at this point that my husband has been gone for a year. no use in arguing that I haven't had anything to drink since 8pm the night before so I hope they only need about 3 drops of piddle to work their unnecessary magic.  i obliged.

after that I went down, I got disrobed from my clothes and robed in that fine gown and sat down on the bed. then, the lady told me I was in the wrong bed so I moved. then, that was really the wrong bed so I moved back. musical gerneys. I didn't see them change the sheets on bed 2 after my quick 5 minute rest so the guy who came after me to bed 2 better be really glad that I got to wear my underpants under my hospital gown since my surgery was only from the neck up.

here is something about me you probably don't know and might possibly never guess. *sarcasm*  when I am in an uncomfortable situation I make really really bad jokes. it's not intentional; it's just a defense mechanism of some sort. sometimes it works out ok. others, it's just downright embarrassing how badly it goes. which only makes me more uncomfortable, which means I make more terrible jokes. it's cyclic really.

yesterday was no exception. when the sweet nurse told me to lay down I said "ohhh! I didn't know it was leisure hour". wonka wonka wonka. then I tried to cover it up by muttering something along the lines of "I have 2 kids, they sleep with me, so I haven't been in the bed alone in a long time. " she seemed kinda confused and she walked off. i am guessing she probably was going to run a drug panel on the 3 drops of urine I gave her earlier.

when the nurse came back she got me hooked up with the IV and went to fetch my mom while we waited for the anesthesiologist. the nurse anesthetist came clicking around the corner at about 613 in what I originally thought were tap shoes, but turned out to be cowboy boots. which was good because tap shoes might have been a bit much- even for me.

went back to surgery pretty much right on time. the nurse anesthetist was chatting with me on the way back about daddy j and his kids that were in the service. I was already on the juice by then so I don't remember what I said, but I'm sure it was flattering. oooof course it was.

all I remember in the room is someone strapping me down to the bed and like 2 people walking by. and ZzzzzZzzz. I think twilight sedation is supposed to keep you awake but loopy normally. give twilight sedation to a mom of 2 kids 3 and under and what you've got is a kid-free night at the Hilton.

I woke up right as the Dr was stitching me up. I said "are you stitching me?" he said "yes. does it hurt?" and I said "no. I've just had 2 csections and I am very familiar with that sensation." and then I asked to scratch my nose. observations: 1. I talk about my csections a lot. i'm really sorry, guys. 2. all anesthesia makes me itch.

don't remember anything else until the recovery room where the lady asked me if I wanted something to drink. I asked for water, drank it down immediately, and then threw the cup behind me?!? like a reverse rim shot. then I felt really bad and was all "nuuurrrsssssseee! nurse. I just littered. imsosorry!" and then I complimented a completely random lady on her eyelashes-- because that's not creepy at all.  like really really complimented them.  i was all "ohhhhmmmyyyggggooossshhh!  you're eyelashes are AHHHH-MAY-ZING! you have GOT to tell me what you use on them because i need to like get in my car right now and go and GEEETTTT it."  and she said "um, i use l'oreal and i don't think you need to be driving today."  touche, random lady with the eyelashes.

while that was going on, the dr went to talk to my mom and told her that everything went great.  the "thing" was about the size of a walnut (unshelled) when it was out in the open.  follow-up in a couple weeks and just keep on being awesome.  ok, he didn't really say that last part, i was just seeing who is still reading.

next my mom came back to get me after bringing the car around. the nurse took out my IV and off I went. I still don't have a firm grip on the amount of time that I was in recovery, but I do know that I was not over my anesthesia when I left. I know this because I  remember the "floating" feeling and not much else. they didn't even give me a wheelchair escort out. I swear to you I was so conscious of putting one foot in front of the other that must have looked all knobby kneed like a newborn fawn.

after getting in the car, we had to drop my medicine off at the pharmacy and I made my mom stop by McDonald's to get me some coffee. it was burned. how does that happen exactly?  i think the car was stopped but i am not really sure as i flung the door open and poured it out after one sip.

anyway. dropped of the meds. went to Burger King get a second coffee. went home and laid down on the couch. pretty quick after we got home the pharmacy texted that my prescription was ready. so, my mom left me with the kids and went to get my medicine. I gave j the iPad and c used my back as a jungle gym about 1.5 hours after my surgery. excellent.

mom got home and I took 2 of the medicine I was given and headed to bed. I do not know how long I was in my room. I don't know what I did. all I know is I drilled a lot and dozed off a bunch in like 10 minute chunks of time.

the rest of the day went a lot like that. the day is a total blur. I do know I ate supper that night and had a strange obsession with the tomatoes. I don't remember what I said but I was really emphatic about how good they were.

I told my mom after supper that I couldn't bathe or put the kids to bed. I'm sure she thought I was crazy, but I just couldn't do it. she took them for bath and took j to bed. I rocked c in the chair until she fell asleep. I kept dozing too. and some point my dad came in and sat down to watch the tv with me. I had it on the MTV music awards but kept pausing at random times because I was pressing buttons on the remote every time I dozed off.

I finally packed it in about 930.

I woke up feeling really good and clear except for the nagging headache. I went to take some medicine and for the first time since getting my prescription realized what the Dr gave me. HOLY CRAP! no freaking wonder my entire day was a haze the day before.

I immediately flushed the remainder of those pills. I apologize to any of the fish I inadvertently stoned in the process.

I won't say what drug it was that I was given bc I don't want drug dealers raiding my sewage system trying to get any leftovers trapped in the closet bend. (what? I know a little about plumbing). but let me let you know that although a hole in the head is a pretty big deal, we could have slung some motrin800 at it and I'd have been ok from the word go.

not much more to tell than that, I suppose. i am healing well.  my scar looks really good and i feel good.  it still doesn't feel very good when someone headbutts it... i'm looking at you c.  all in all, i'd say my pain is super manageable and my twin (or cyst or lipoma) has been set free to terrorize the dreams of the pathologist.

Wednesday, April 17, 2013

just another day

I am working on a surgery recap but it's taking forever. 1. because the day of my surgery I was stoned out of my mind thanks to what is safe to say was a little bit of overkill in the prescription department (more on that later) and 2. because my son must fill every single minute of every single day with noise. sometimes it's words. sometimes it noises. sometimes it just wah-wah-wah wah wah-wah like Charlie Brown's teacher. It's kinda hard to think when you've got someone with the volumes a. soooo loud and b. ear-splitting talking non-stop.

today was just like any ordinary day. the more i am around these small humans the more i am realizing that I can count on a couple things to happen every single day. they do say that humans are creatures of habit. whoever they is.

I'll start with myself. every.single.day I am going to do or have something embarrassing happen to me. tonight I stopped by Walgreens to pick up some ink and some shampoo. while I was there I decided to pick up one other something to help with some anesthesia aftermath- I won't go on. annnd it never fails that I'll run into someone I know who is walking by while i am standing in this aisle:

nooooo... it's not for me. it's for my fish.

next up jman.
his daily idiosyncrasies are 1. getting trouble for punching his sister. 2. whining to watch Barney. 3. yelling "HELP! HELP! HELP! " in a situation where he means "Mommy could you come here for a second?" 4. saying he is starving, but eating nothing on his plate. 5. losing his mind because he can't find bobo when it's time to go to sleep. 6. having a nervous breakdown for no good reason like reasons my son is crying oh and 7. talking NONSTOP.

I'd say he is pretty straight forward for a 3 year old.

then there is Clara.
you can count on Clara 1. throwing something. 2. hitting her brother with a hard plastic object. 3. snatching something from her brother and running like a Kenyan triathlete in the other direction. 4. putting on dress-up clothes incorrectly usually involving her neck. 5. insisting that she needs chowklat. 6. getting her head stuck in something.

why isn't this working out how I thought it would?

this seemed like such a good idea at the time...

sorry I couldn't get clearer pictures, but she wouldn't sit still. I can't imagine why.

on the plus side I can count on plenty of I love yous, silly faces, hugs, and cuddling so it's not all bad.

and sorry it wasn't too terribly interesting today. I'm going to blame it on a hangover from the drugs. but I do think this is stuff I will want to remember one day when it's daily habit is asking for $ and or keys.

just another day in paradise.

Sunday, April 14, 2013

buh-byyyyeee ba-bobbsey twin

buh-byyyyeee ba-bobbsey twin!
(or the far more likely lipoma or cyst)

tomorrow is my surgery. let me break out the truth baton for a minute:

when holding the truth baton one must always tell the truth. damnit

truth: I'm a little worried about it. well, the anesthesia part and the maybe pain part.

reason 1: i had a heart thing years ago. anesthesia worries me because of it.

reason 2: even though i have a high pain tolerance, i am not into the weird tugging sensation when you're numb, but being cut. I've had 2 csections... I know what I'm talking about here, folks.

I know it's just like a wisdom tooth surgery or even a colonoscopy, but I don't recall either of those involving stitches, shaving your head, or your skull.

I'm not sure that I've ever had "twilight" anesthesia. I definitely didn't have it for my wisdom teeth. the oral surgeon just filled up my mouth with cotton balls and bullets to bite on when the pain got too intense. that's only a half joke. (the oral surgeon seriously gave me no laughing gas or anything through a mask, IV, or otherwise and I'm allergic to Novocain which he didn't find out until he'd already started and he couldn't give me my other two rounds of shots. he gave me some other kind of pain shot at the end, but i'd already been through the surgery and it was just for the drool factor at that point. it.was.horrible)

anyway, I think twilight sedation what they gave me for my heart surgery, but I do remember parts of that. I really have no hopes of remembering parts of this.

also, have I mentioned that they're going to have to shave part of my head? I have long hair so it's cool, but I'm thinking I might get some colored clip in weave just for sport. I've always wanted to try it out- this seems like as good a time as any. I'm thinking pink like Effie Trinket. Yes?

if y'all are thinking about me tomorrow morning... I'd appreciate a little prayer, or a positive thought.

I promise it's really not a big deal, but having any kind of surgery- no matter how small- with my husband in another country is kinda freaking me out.

also, I'm joking about it being my absorbed twin... obviously. but that really does happen. if this lump that I've had for 30 years turns out to be something that could have potentially ever had a social security number, I'll probably need someone to drive me to the nearest psych ward. mmmmkkk?

Friday, April 12, 2013

letter to my c

my first time to hold you

dear c,

tomorrow is your 2nd birthday party. i really don't know how that happened. i know its cliche' (you probably don't know what that word means yet), but it's true. it feels like just yesterday i was sitting with you on the couch staring at you and watching you breath. ...and i'll never forget the day that i got to see your whole face unobstructed by the oxygen tubing. ...and the first time i held you. you took my breath away. i have been trying to catch my breath ever since.

you are such a remarkable little girl. you are the perfect missing puzzle piece in our little family. you are a wonderful combination of your daddy and me. you have your daddy's passion and your mommy's spunk. you adore your brother and you do everything that he does (some things even a little better than he does-- but shhh, don't tell him that). i am in awe of how much we were blessed when you came into our little trifecta and turned it on it's ear. no day with you is predictable. i have never met a child who blazes with independence and determination like you do. i will always be your biggest cheerleader to help you take that determination and soar.

you are headstrong and stubborn. you are sensitive and loving. you are funny and oh, so serious. and funny because you are so serious. you absolutely light up any room that you are in and are constantly garnering attention with your big bows and your flirting. your smile is what lights my life and your laugh is my fuel.

you are oh so perfectly and wonderfully made.

your daddy and i look so forward to watching you grow and experience new things. if there is one thing that i know about you, my darling, it's that no matter what you chose to do in your life- you will do it and do it well.

i am astonishingly proud to call you my daughter, incredibly thankful for your health, and positively unable to express in words just how much you mean to me.

i love you,

that's my girl.

Wednesday, April 10, 2013


it's birchbox time again!

for those of you who don't know, birchbox is a box full of designer goodies in sample sizes that come once-a-month with subscription. what's in it is always different. it's about 5 items. usually some shampooey stuff, some moisturizer, lip gloss, fingernail polish, perfume, and/or deep conditioning treatments of some kind.

there are a couple things that make birchbox so great:
1. you get a box every month. come on. you know that's super fun.
2. you never know what's coming, so it's a surprise every month. also amazing.

i am usually a cover girl make-up wearer bc im super sophisticated and cheap. every month i try everything in the box bc you just never know and its a treat for me to try expensive products that likely dont look better on lab rats.

sometimes the boxes hit it out of the park and I fall head-over-heels for the items. sometimes it's a train wreck from the word go.

2 months ago was probably the best one yet. it contained this lipgloss. it's basically the most perfect lipgloss ever. I don't wear much makeup bc the more I wear directly correlates with the amount of times I'm asked if I watch The Client List. this lipgloss is light and the tube has a mirror on the side which comes in handy when I just know I have spinach in my teeth.

but today's box = worst train wreck of them all.

I got this as one of the items in the box:

it's lipstick and blush. a time saver. Jeeeeah! (phrase curtosy of Ryan Lotche)

uh-oh. they messed up and accidentally sent me Barnum and Bailey's box.

but wait. you didn't get the full effect:

um no. I didn't edit this picture at all. it's SOOC (straight out of camera) from my supa fine iPhone. so my lips are for real, for real fluorescent. I'm guessing this lipstick isn't environmentally friendly and it was more than likely manufactured at Chernobyl.

but wait there is more! great news! it doesn't come off no matter what you do short of sandpaper.

also in the box:

it said this was full of essential oils on the little insert. they suggested you use them on your hands, but my face needed it more. and, I thought that maybe they sent these the same time as the lipstick/blush combo bc they knew these were the only things that dissolve the fluorescent mess.

I was half right. they do dissolve the fluorescent mess but they also dissolve at least the first 3 layers of epidermis. I'm speaking from experience here and I can tell you I'd rather poor salt directly into a cut than to ever use that essential oil towelette for anything other than striping wood or sanitizing toilets.

I don't know if y'all support me in this, but I'm just gonna go ahead and throw that lipstick/blush combo in the trash. I can't think of a single person on the earth that traffic cone orange looks good on.

Tuesday, April 9, 2013

bridesmaid dress part 3

you can read part 2 Here

I *may* or may not have secured a 3rd dress today as an insurance policy on the 2nd dress. you know, just in case China doesn't come through or j decides to drench me in salad dressing or something.

dress 3:

I'm definitely going to need a tan bc that manikin is at least 3 shades darker than me and the dress even makes her look pasty.

I won't tell you where I found the dress, but I can tell you it rhymes with Hal-fart. Y'all! I know. I know. I know. Don't worry. the cut of the dress is flattering and it's nothing some stitched on pearls can't fix to fancy it up a bit. and besides, how is buying a dress from there any different than ordering my dress from China? it was probably made in the same factory.

Worst case scenario, I'm going to be rocking the wedding colors all weekend long bc I'm amassing quite the collection of rose colored dresses.

if you need me- check all the sunless tanning beds in the area.

Monday, April 8, 2013

bridesmaid dress 2

after my bridesmaid dress got chef boyardeed last night, I needed to get a new dress and quick. (and lose 10lbs)

i decided to order one bc I didnt think i could go through another day of tirelessly trying dresses on. yesterday, I tried on a bunch of dresses that were just one worse mess after another.

here's the dress from the ravioli massacre:

I think I need to put this picture on my refrigerator as a cautionary tale.

I also tried on this dress:

I'm sensing a theme here... look at that unsupported left boomboom trying to flee the sausage casing. poor girl.

and this:

hmmm... horizontal stripes must be genetically linked to satan.

and i tried on a whole bunch more dresses that weren't worth photographing.

conclusion? I needed a dress that

1. bra. I have to be able to wear a bra. my poor girls need support and a strapless bra is just going to get dragged down with the gang.
2. empire waist and spanx. must. must. MUST. be able to wear spanx and have an empire waist. my hips were made for baby birthing and making the kardashians feel better about themselves.
3. knee length or longer. whatever happened to modesty? and am I seriously the only person who got the little pocket of above the knee fat after kids? that needs covered up. fo sho.

having a pretty firm idea of what I needed, I hit the web to find the perfect dress:

hello, my pretty. and why yes, I am so going to look just like her in it too. (right after I lose 50lbs, get a spray tan, and have liposuction)

I couldn't figure out whether I should order it or not though. I found the dress on a site with a .uk. I like British people. and princess Kate always looks good, but I did a little more research though and found out that the site is actually based out of china. well, that's unique. if by unique I mean that i was not surprised even a little that dirt cheap custom dresses were, in fact, made in china. right alongside our toothbrushes, patriotic paraphernalia, and um... pretty much everything in Walmart.

anyway, the information tab on the website said the dresses take 17-20 days to make (from your custom measurements) and then they arrive in 3 days after that. I have 27 days until I gotta go to the wedding. that's a pretty tight timeline, but the website had good reviews from about 75% of people. the other 25%'s caused me to make a mental note to pay through PayPal so that my credit card doesn't get a workout buying up all Nokia products in China.

the dress i picked (above) had a flashing marquee on the order page that said "you order in xx day xx minute you get dress in 8 day" so I just bit the bullet.

as soon as I hit send on PayPal though I got a sick feeling as I've already wasted money on one dress. I couldnt take it and i broke down and sent the company an email.

here's what I wrote: "I just ordered a dress. it's order number xxxxx. your website said it'll be here in 8 days. I have to leave for the wedding on may 4th. I just wanted to be sure the website had the correct information. please let me know.
this is what I got in return:

well, that clears that right up?

customer wants to know is can get dress in time the same thing as will get dress in time?

I appreciate the concern over my stress level, but I gotta tell you this email didn't do a lot to put my mind at ease here. I'm thinking we are having some translation issues we wouldn't be having if the company really was based in the uk. the british customer service representative might have thrown some superfluous u's in words but I don't think we'd be having quite such a mix-up over "can" and "will"

I really really really hope this dress actually gets here in 8 days and actually fits.

To order, I had to send in my "custom measurements." I didn't have anyone around to help me and I didn't have on a bra annnnnd, incidentally, I didn't have an actual measuring tape. I just hoisted up the gals, measured myself using a ribbon and then measured the ribbon on my dads tape measure. I'm pretty sure you can't get any more precise than that.

come to think of it, if the dress does fit it'll be a Christmas miracle. (as I'm guessing that's when it'll actual get here from Beijing)

maybe the third dress I buy will be the charm?

upcoming surgery.

i have been stubborn since before i was born.  never mind that my birthday is august 1, but my due date was july 12th.  poor mommy. 

on the day of my grand entrance, i also decided to hang out a little longer than i was invited to and i had to be  pulled from my cozy cocoon by forceps.  the forceps made my head knotty all over.  (let's just be glad that women at west point didn't have to shave their heads too.  ewwww)   the most notable of my head bumps is this guy...


anyway, it's been there literally since the day i was born and i never much notice it aside from the occasional panic attack that it gives hair dressers.  but, about 2 months ago it started hurting.  my childhood pediatrician said that if it ever started bothering me, it needed to come out.  i don't think that anyone thought that the day would come *cough* thirty-ish years later, but here it is.  

i hope it's not my twin.  oh come on, you know you thought that too.  

and I hope it doesn't have teeth and a vendetta against the person who absorbed it.

i had my appointment today to schedule my surgery.  i had never been to this doctor before.  the office was nice and all the rooms were themed!  kind-of like where the kids go...

how cute!  it's just like being in australia.  

the prostate cancer themed room?  ohhhhhhh no.  

the kids get to go to continent and country themed rooms.  so cute.  i got prostate cancer?  awwwkkkwwaaarrrddd.  the most uncomfortable thing about my whole appointment was having to sit with that behind my head for an hour.  

anyway, normally they just take it out in the office, but because this guy is so big they have to take it out in the surgery center.  it's really NO BIG DEAL.  seriously.  it'll just bleed a lot probably and the dr. doesn't want to ruin his Gucci suit.  i'll be under twilight sedation (re: i'm going to say some truly embarrassing things that will probably get written down in a secret surgery center book somewhere) and it'll be over in 30 minutes start to finish.  

i'll keep y'all posted on how it goes.  i am anticipating a 5lb weight loss on the scale and feeling overcome with liberation. 

Sunday, April 7, 2013

ruined bridesmaid dress

you know what's awesome?

when you spend all day looking for a bridesmaid dress, finally find one you don't hate thats the only one in your size, and come home try it on for your mom...

only to have your son to run up and wipe his greasy little chef boyardee ravioli fingers all over the bottom-- ruining it.

all I could think was "yep. that sounds about right"

back to the drawing board. le sigh.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

PBS Pay Up

PBS lays it on thick lately.

sometimes I have to do things like shower and i so completely selfishly dont want an audience so I put the kids in front of the tv. I know. I know. for shame.

everyday while the kids are spending time with the babysitter (re:tv) I hear Dr. Scott the Paleontologist say "programs like these aren't possible without viewers like you." what I hear: "hey lady! you're letting Barney babysit your kids. Keeping that well-fed purple t-Rex employed ain't cheap. it's time to pay up."

they've been airing these guilt trips way more often since congress entered their big sequestration shit show. come on, Dr. Scott. I'm already feeling guilty enough about letting my kids log Barney hours while I do all those completely optional things like wash myself.

today I decided that I was going to send the babysitter some money. it's only fair, right? I figured while I was at it, I'd backlog for the past 3.3 years.

Barney babysits my kids on average 1 hour a day at $12 dollars an hour and it's been for 40 months. by my calculations I owe PBS:

ummmmm, JK.

how about I just buy a few Barney DVDs and fast forward through Dr. Scott?

What's that you say? win/win?

Saturday, April 6, 2013

dress shopping

I'm going dress shopping tomorrow for a bridesmaids dress. I feel like a 2 ton gorilla, but it must be done. I've only had to wear a fancy dress once since I've had children. It didn't end well.

I thought about wearing spanx to give me a bit of a lift tomorrow. however, the last time I wore a fancy dress and spanx I bent over and split the spanx up the back.

you might not know this but spanx are essentially made of trampoline material.

I'm pretty sure splitting them makes me some kind of a super hero.

Thursday, April 4, 2013

greatest hits part 1

confession: when i am having trouble getting to sleep at night, i look back through pictures of my kids.

if a picture is worth a thousand words, then i have written many a novel, my friends.  one thing that i can look back on in my life and be proud of is that i have a picture from my kids from every single day of their lives (thank you iphone).  i can literally watch them grow from birth day-by-day.  that's pretty awesome.  if i do say so myself.  dang, it's physically pretty hard to pat yourself on the back.

i wanted to share with you guys some of my favorite pictures and tell you a little bit more about why they are so special to me.  i obviously have millions of favorites, so this is my waaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyy greatest hits.

i had a csection with baby j and he was in pretty bad shape when he was born.  because i had a c section and the NICU was tightly set-up i didn't get to see him until an agonizing 12 hours after he was born.  the first time i saw my son (aside from the literally .23 seconds when they were bagging him as they took him out of the room) is this picture that daddy j brought me back after one of his visits.  this, my dear readers, is the first ever good look i got at my sweet son.  

this is one of my favorites because...well... i just love this face.  he had just gotten his oxygen off that morning and that was the first really that i'd gotten to see his whole face.  

y'all.  i weighed approximately 475lbs in this picture, smelled like grilled cheese, and i had Bell's Palsy.  i did NOT want to have my picture taken.  but, i am so glad that i put my vanity aside and got pictures taken with my baby boy.  i will treasure this picture forever and ever. 

this is pastor skip.  this is j on his baptism day. daddy j and i did a lot of Church "shopping" while we lived in El Paso.  we found St. Luke's Methodist Church church in El Paso just a short time before i got pregnant with j.  the minute we walked in we just felt like we were home. it was such a big part of our life when we lived there, a blessing times a million, and we just love pastor skip to the ends of the earth (and pastor jeb now too).  j and c were both baptized at st. luke's.  i hope that any and all future offspring get to be baptized there as well. 

um, i just really like this picture.  

daddy j reads the most boring things (sorry daddy j), but baby j would find anything that his daddy did fascinating.  this picture from him being an itty bitty is just a window into the future. 

jerbear the care bear.  daddy j told me that i had to make baby j's halloween costume.  i didn't start even thinking about it until about 5 days before halloween.  we searched and searched and came up with this bear costume.  i sewed on the heart.  that kinda counts as homemade, right? 

probably my favorite picture of all time.  we are so proud of daddy j for his service.  and we are proud of daddy j just because of who he is.  he's a great daddy and j adores him.  it's not very often you can capture emotion like that in a picture-- but i had the luck of the iphone with me on this veterans day. 

i melt. 

i grew up in mississippi.  i am not a snow baby.  but, i gave birth to one.  this was baby j's first real time to run around and be crazy in the snow.  he looks like such a big boy here.  and i can tell you he had big boy amounts of fun. 

some other time when i am feeling nostalgic, i'll pick up where i left off.